Yeah, it's something I need to work on.

Also, been really thinking about it and in a way I don't really have a thing for this woman as much as this thread shows I do. I hate myself, but she helped me out and gave me a break. I think I really want this friendship because other then a few guys from work I oddly hang out with, I'm always alone. Now comes along some someone who actually hangs out with me and she keeps asking for a coffee and a walk over a phone call lately. I hate myself a lot and now a friend i've not hung out with so often since my last real friend in my elementary school days and a little bit of that hate can possibly go away. I don't bombard her with texts 24/7. Can go for a few days a week to none for a few months, no hangouts for a month or many months (coffee tomorrow, no hangout before since May), no phone calls for going on nearly a year

I obsess over it most likely because I dwell inside my head alone all the time because I just sit here alone infront of my computer all the time when I am not working, so 1 thing that goes wrong and I feel like it's back to being alone. I don't WANT to be alone, I don't even know if I want a girlfriend as it's not something I think about that often, I want friends more then a relationship. My head is full of "worst case scenerios" going off at literally everything I do, not just when I think about if she does not want to be my friend. I literally thought in my head after I text her "what If she cancels and reschedules, then cancels again, reschedules, cancels?", then I thought of myself being alone again...back to square 1! Lately I been thinking I want to actually improve myself, go out there and get friends even if it's on meetup.com, try getting into self help books like how to win friends and influence people.

Also I lost 65 pounds in less then a year and I figure I need to put my time into weight training now, try and get friends and be a better person, maybe do some charity work. I figure life is about being kind to people, being a positive person and leave the hate alone, but that's going to take years obviously. I'm literally the opposite of how I am here offline then I am online, so I guess I am a fake person but I figure nobody wants to be around a complete crybaby energy vampire so around others I actually try and have fun and can probably be obnoxious when I am loud but fake it til you make it, it's when I am alone the bad thoughts really hit me hard. Most people seem to really like me, at least it looks that way but I guess it's my act. I don't know what the real me is, the one that feels so easy and what I like or the one where I am alone with my demons which everyone has. But I would love to be a more compassionate caring kind person because love for your fellow man and animal is all that really matters in the end.

And Rose, you really hurt me but in a way I gotta thank you for that because I really been thinking a lot lately since then. So thank you.