My summer vacation was a disaster. As it approached I started to panic. I really wanted to cancel it but I was scared to do that too. My boss doesn't yell but she grits her teeth (yes like an animal). It is a horrible combination with my anxiety. I was so scared if I showed up at work when I was supposed to be on vacation she would get mad at me but I was also scared to not be here. I just can't stop worrying about work when I am not there. If I am here I can deal with whatever happens, if I am anywhere else I constantly worry that something terrible is happening all the time. So in the summer, I went to the lake alone and couldn't go outside. I hid in the bedroom with the blinds down. I slept with my laptop so it would wake me if I got an email. Even the sight of the sunlight outside made me cry. I am a mess.
I was feeling a bit better a few weeks ago and booked a flight to go to visit my recently retired husband in Arizona. I am also supposed to go back down there with my son at Christmas. I promised myself in the summer I would never plan a vacation again and look what I went and did. Now the November flight is coming up and the panic is starting to set in. My boss knows about it so if I back out I have to deal with her again too. I feel like the most likely scenario is that I will go, feel horrible, and sit inside in Arizona sleeping with my laptop again.