Alright I've had time to try connect the dots, and yes I was completly gutted by what you said Rose and I've never in my life had words on a message board that have effected me that way, I felt like I was a failure as a human being.But with that said...some **** happened at work and it brought me some perspective. I mean I was really really freaking out. A guy said she's a douchebag because she took my money and while only paid half back after selling her house she also has not paid any other payments in the year+ she sold her house. And she's not too busy and how that was a crock of ****, nobody is "too busy" and if he sees her he is going to call her out.

I went on FB and told her this and she said she wishes she did pay me back earlier and wishes she could right now and is wanting to do monthly payments and for me to not call her home as there is no privacy but said she wants to go for cofffee and a walk soon, but once again...that "soon" is there again and she understands what he was saying but for us to both let it go and move on. I told her I feel guilty asking for the money back because it would feel like I am only giving the money to have something over her head when I only want to help people, getting the money back makes me feel like I don't care about them, I just want the satisfaction when that's not true, I mean I gave $5000 the previous year to someone I've not seen since I was a kid to save her life. I told her i'm free Sat, Sun, Mon, Wed for a coffee and once she read it I deactivated my facebook, but I don't expect her to text me so I think that is that.

She used to like texting me, always had smiles and always excited to meet up for coffee, liked calling me, even called me on her bad days and was crying on the phone then Jan happened and everything changed...always got "busy", "soon", "i'll be in touch" and never hear from her. She's the only woman i've ever had a coffee with and I felt actually enjoyed my company, you could feel it. In Jan I had bronchitis, told her after I got over it we can, she said next week but a month later I said I am finally over it but never messaged her for coffee, then she messages me in May for a coffee and we go, then I say maybe July/August but I don't because my depression made me feel unworthy of being happy or have someone enjoy my company and I just don't feel like messaging because of that, message her after and see her at my work where she invites me to a show with her along with everyone else but I don't go, I felt like she asks for the sake of asking and would not want me there, she was feeling my body because I dropped 65 pounds and as she's walking away turns around and tells me she's been thinking about me and we need to have a coffee soon and walks away.

This could also all be in my head, I always play off the worst case scenerios so this could all just be in my head and there really is nothing wrong but i'm picking out the bad pieces only, or it could be real I dunno. All I know is I miss how we used to be, we would talk for an hour on the phone, text eachother frequently (mostly me starting it though), having a coffee with her not understanding how someone can actually enjoy my company...ME! of all people. I can't exactly tell her if we are cool and be honest about it because that's being an energy vampire. All I know is I miss our friendship and my depression has killed it off with her thinking I am not interested in this because my depression gets the best of me and always will.

I'm sorry but I guess it's time to move on, maybe 5 or so years down the road i'll randomly message her and say "sup?", probably wont be in a better place though. She still talks to people at my work and has coffee/phonecalls/texts with them, it's not just me.