TW for brief fire metaphor in text.





I had an odd session today. I began by telling R that I had been reflecting on her question ‘Do you feel a disconnect from your emotions?’ and realised that I have created a disconnect from my emotions so that I do not have to feel them.
R wondered whether this was a recent development, and if I was similar before.

‘It always catches me by surprise when I express emotion.’
‘What do you mean by that? Are you talking about crying?’
‘Yes. When I cry, I feel a lot of shame. I haven’t yet worked out why.’
I mentioned that I am struggling with the magnitude of it, although ‘most people’ would not be as affected by it as I have been.
We talked about similarities and differences between the two experiences again, and the pertinent point that I was not overloaded with information regarding Chris’ illness until Jonathan provided updates. I mentioned that I felt there may have been some agreement between Chris and our mutual friend that I did not need to know everything. In contrast, with the other situation I was bombarded. I mentioned that I did not have boundaries at that time to be able to intervene. There were many moments, and yet it is January 2011 that sticks and repeats. Another conversation ensued about the extent of the nights and lack of control.
R said that she was struck by the way I talk with acceptance about Chris’ illness and death, although it is obviously painful. She wondered whether there is a physiological aspect to my sleep issues, in that the body gets used to certain things.


Our closing conversation revolved around the fact that it can become comfortable to analyse things, but R senses that there is somewhere I fear to go. She asked me to consider what is the worst that could happen, and try to articulate what that fear is. She understands that it may take some time for me to feel safe again due to the break. She wants me to know that she will not make me go there, but we can go there together.