Quote:
Originally Posted by xiximmxi
I have a guy friend who I've known since high school.
He moved to California about three years ago and since then we've lost a bit of contact but still text every now and then. We were good friends; he even shared an apartment with my boyfriend at the time after we all graduated.
The problem is - I am no longer with that boyfriend (after five long years), and ever since he has moved to CA he would text me randomly just saying sweet things people say when they haven't seen each other in a while and then eventually it gets to the point where I'm kind of uncomfortable because I feel like he is trying to get out of the "Friend Zone"... and I shut that nonsense down (very subtly, I thought) by saying something about the guy I'm talking to now, or something. Then after that he stops responding to me.  And after a couple of months he will randomly message me again & it's like this vicious circle over again. If he was someone I met recently, I'd just assume he is a ****boy and move on, but since I've known him for so long I have hard time judging what is right.
I'm starting to think that he was never really my friend. And that really hurts; I don't open up to a lot of people. I miss our old days when we told each other everything without this weird tension - I just want platonic companionship and I never seem to get that with men. I am so sick of them pretending like they are my friends until they realize I have no intention to **** them!
Do you think women and men can be just friends? |
Some can. Some can't. It seems your friend is in the "can't" category. What's really happening, I think, is he's changed as a person. Which means the way he sees you and others has probably changed. What applied before, doesn't apply today, because he's changed. He hasn't done anything wrong, because everyone changes. But...it changes the dynamic of your relationship. Unfortunately, we only have the ability to change ourselves. This means you are stuck in a position of having to take, or leave, relationships as they are. I've ended long friendships in the past five years. And others, who I thought were my friend, have ended their relationship with me. It's normal, because people change and their needs change. It's easy to look in the rear-view mirror at what was, but it's not helpful, because you're not going backwards. Returning to a past point in life may be appealing, but it's not going to happen. So you can set clear boundaries with guys who want more than friendship when you do not. And they will definitely reveal who they are when you do it. If they leave because of it, you are better off. If they stick around, you still need to make sure they are aware of the boundaries. If they stick around in the long term, great. If they don't, great. It really comes down to being true to yourself and your feelings and accepting whatever happens after that, even if it means losing a "friend."