Quote:
Originally Posted by KissTheRain
I've known this person for over half my life. I've cared for him deeply. I dont want to drudge up the whole story, but a few years ago he did something that really triggered me. He basically used me for his own purposes and then tossed me like garbage. There was a lot of drama and ups and downs. I ended up pretty messed up from it all and he was seemingly unscathed.
2 years no contact and I decided to Google him. He's out there with a post talking about how people should have more sympathy for toxic people. It ends up making people with personality disorders out to be monsters. Hes acting like the nice guy.
So I sent him a message saying how he hurt me, about my mental health stuff and telling him that he was toxic for me. Basically before you go preaching, look in the mirror. Communication was cut off.
Now I just feel a seething rage/hate for him. I am hurt that I feel everything so deeply and he feels nothing at all. He talks of compassion and has shown none. He looks perfect to everyone.....except all the people who saw what I went through.
I dont want to hate him. I dont want to feel anything towards him. I want to move on. However here I am up at midnight ruminating about the whole situation. Clearly step 1 is committing to not Google him ever again. I know with time the hatred will fade, but I've only ever hated one person before in my life. It took me over a decade before I wasnt angry whenever I thought of him. I want to speed this process up.
How do I forgive someone who isnt sorry? How do I release this anger and hurt? How can I make peace with the situation? Specific tips would help me so much. I am not good with emotional stuff.  |
The first
question statement I have is to have you ask yourself, if your desire is to forgive this person, why did you contact and confront him with how he hurt you in the past to convince him he was wrong? There is nothing in forgiveness that has to do with proving yourself to someone or making them know you offended them. Forgiveness is to write off the offense and simply let it go.
After 2 yrs you have hung onto something that has bothered you otherwise you would not have googled this person and then confronted them. This is more about you coming to terms with the fact that the offensive nature of the relationship is the past. It is done, over and nothing but your clinging to the offense has kept you from realizing and enjoying the freedom from the relationship. No, this is not about that we will completely forget the bad things that happen to us but the compulsion to actually seek out this person says that it's not just a bad memory but although you state that you're only now ruminating about it, I believe you have been at the very least doing so from before you even contacted him again. It's to the detriment of your own peace of mind to hang onto this. Let it go. Let his offense go, let him go.
Especially now. You've made your point with him and although I don't think he will or would have ever seen your side, you've been able to voice your thoughts. It was never going to be something that he backed down from or admitted to doing wrong to you. He made that clear in his post that you talked about and that prompted you to contact him. You can't change him, only you. So take care of you and just let it go. focus on what you can do to be a better person however that may be.
Hope this helps.