It's been a while since I have posted. I've come here from time to time to check in, but most of the time I can't get my thoughts together enough to post. I've been up and down. Right now, I'm down. The last two days have been really hard to get out of bed. I really wanted to call in work. I've been extremely late both days. I've just started a second job to try to clear out debt that I have created, but I'm working in a department store. I reported to orientation last night and became overwhelmed with thought of inadequacy mixed with fear of overspending when my mood swings up again. I want the job, I'm just afraid that I won't be able to do it. I talked about it in therapy today and my T suggested that I look for a different job. I'm not sure if what I'm about to say is breaking the rules or not but gosh, people get so freaked out whenever I say what I really have on my mind. I just don't have anybody I can really talk to without fear that my T or my pdoc will be called. I've never been in the hospital for moods and I don't want to cross that boundary. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to say what I think. Especially since I have been told that all people don't have these thoughts from time to time. It just feels so "normal" to me.

I've had thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore lately. My takeaways from my conversation in therapy today are that 1) I'm not afraid of my thoughts. This may sound weird but they are sort of comforting and 2) Two things keep me here, people and what they would have to say about my choice and lack of a viable plan. I feel miserable. It feels like it has been forever since I was happy. I know that I had a lot of energy last week. I can't remember if I was happy. Happiness seems like years ago right now. I feel like I will never find it again.

I know that if I wait long enough my mood will shift again. I just hope it does soon.