Quote:
Originally Posted by LabRat27
I shook my head and told him that I never stopped arguing back. That there may have been instances where I decided it wasn't worth it, but there was never a point after which I stopped standing up for myself. That it wasn't fair or right. That my brother used to beg me to just placate my father because he hated us fighting, but that I wouldn't.
He said "good for you" and sounded genuinely surprised and impressed.
Then asked me where that voice that stood up for myself and defended myself was when I was being cruel to myself. I told him only I'm allowed to hurt me.
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I appreciate that you shared this story. It has many dynamics that I think many people can relate to, including that this kind of non-physical child abuse can be very harmful. It's certainly harmful to the relationship between the parent and the child; people who think that parenting is all about "obedience" and that children need to be terrorized or threatened into good behavior. And there is ample research evidence that emotional abuse in childhood is harmful to the child as well. I was listening to a court hearing not long ago as part of a courtwatch community project (local judge elections coming up). A man testified that he was trying to teach his children to be good people and the judge looked at him when announcing her decision that he would get no visitation with his children and said if he wanted to teach his children to be good people he should stop beating their mother in front of them. IME being peripherally around courtrooms in the past 25 years, this is not typical judge commentary, but oh so satisfying.
I share that stand-up-to-the-father thing you identified, and watched my younger sibling be complacent so he didn't have to suffer like I did. It took a lot out of me as a child to have to spend so much energy not backing down, that once I left the house I think it took the ground under my feet and I had to learn how to be in a world where people (mostly) weren't trying to attack me all the time. That the defenses I had to use in childhood were very consuming and finding other ways to be in relation to people and myself took a long time to stabilize. They are still ongoing now. I struggled with SH and engaged in relationships where I had to find who I was in relation to other people. It was like I was using my own past to wreck up my present, then I found my freedom in studying in the field I'm still in, and it felt like for the first time that I was able to use my past in standing up to powerful people to my advantage. Luckily in my graduate school the powerful people loved it when students said what they really thought, so I was able to thrive there. That grounded me so I could work on the less tangilble things.
It sounds like this session was something of a turning point for you and you were brave in telling your T what you needed to. Great work.