I had a romantic relationship end about a month ago. It was both my first adult romantic relationship and first since coming out as transgender and starting to transition. Before we started dating, my ex was also the first friend I had made in years that I actually hung out and did things with. I've had a lot of acquaintances, but no one that I actually spent time with unless we were both somewhere for a common purpose. I haven't connected with another person like I did with my ex in more years than I care to count.

Now I've isolated myself and actively pushed away many people who have tried to offer support. My relationship ended because my ex couldn't give me the amount of emotional support that I needed and I wasn't contributing enough. I think that was a fair assessment. So now i'm convinced that people will just get exhausted, give up on me, and leave if I try to build relationships. I'm also in the middle of a depressive episode and preparing for a major surgery in a little over a month. Add in a core beliefs about being unlovable and an insecure attachment style, and it feels both pointless and impossible to form meaningful relationships.

On the other hand, I know that I need support and relationships with other people, but right now the effort and potential for pain outweigh those needs. If I can't tip that in the opposite direction, nothing about how to form and maintain relationships will matter.