Hello ajphoto: I see this is your first post here on PC although you're apparently an 8 year member. So... a belated welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry I don't think I am the member to try to help you sort this out. From my perspective, there are simply too many variables at play here for it to be possible to sort through them all here. (Perhaps there will be other members who will feel able to take a shot at it.) My thinking would be that a concern such as this would be something that would be best delved into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a counselor or mental health therapist. There are a lot of things to be considered.

In the meantime, here are links to 9 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of bipolar disorder as well as various aspects of living with it day-to-day. Perhaps you may find some of the answers to your concern within these articles:

Bipolar Disorder - What is it? Can it be treated?

Women and Bipolar Disorder

In-Depth: Living with Bipolar Disorder

10 Small Steps You Can Take Today to Improve Bipolar Disorder

The 4 Keys to Managing Bipolar Disorder

https://psychcentral.com/lib/buildin...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/bipolar...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-bi...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/4-of-th...olar-disorder/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.