I don't even know what the hell we talked about today, but I do know that talking about it made me feel like crap.

I think maybe part of it was because he was saying I appeared to have a "passive" attitude towards some of the things we were discussing--e.g. "yes I suppose that on an unconscious level my withdrawn behaviour could operate as a kind of test--will you respond by leaning in or by ignoring me?--but it doesn't *feel* like I'm testing you so I'm not sure if that's actually what's happening."

The ridiculous thing is that I am working really effing hard in sessions--my brain going a mile a minute, forcing myself to say stuff that makes me feel vulnerable--but he doesn't seem to see or appreciate that. I don't really understand how he "wants" me to respond. Like, yes I understand your argument intellectually; it doesn't resonate emotionally but maybe that's because it's operating at level of consciousness that is below my awareness. Wtf else do you want me to say? Am I supposed to be wowed by your interpretation? Like, my reaction is my reaction, why are you making a big deal about this? He said something about how I experience my depression as something that is forced upon me by my brain, how I no longer feel curious about what might contribute to it or change it... he thought that perhaps there was some kind of parallel process occurring.

Also last week he sent me an email asking me to think about about how I might test people in my life, and about what wish might underly that. In my response, I answered the second part but not the first, and he seemed annoyed about that. I had actually been kind of proud of that email because I felt like I'd really put some thought into it, and had taken some risks in what I'd said. The problem is that I have a really hard time thinking about how I might test people in my life because whenever I try to think about it I feel so ashamed about the idea that I am unconsciously manipulating people that my brain shorts out and I forget what I'm thinking about or my thoughts get slippery and disorganized and I just can't get anywhere. I tried to get him to understand this, I said, "it feels like when it's 2am and I'm alone in the ICU and one of my patients is dying and I'm so scared that I just can't think--my thoughts just don't cohere. They are all over the place, they refuse to precipitate." He didn't seem to get it, he showed me a printout of the email I'd sent him, which he'd written all over, and said, "one of the questions you asked was, 'Will you notice and care about that suffering even if I can’t articulate it?'--are you testing me now, be being unable to articulate your suffering, to see how I'll respond?" I said, "I don't know, it doesn't feel to me like i'm doing that." And then we went around in circles some more.

At the end, he asked how I felt. I said "defeated" or "despairing" or something along those lines. He said that he felt a bit guilty for the fact that I felt that way, and a bit worried about me, and asked how I felt about that. I said, "this sounds a tad sadistic I guess, but it's nice to know that you care enough about me to feel worried about me, to feel guilty when you feel like you've caused me distress." He said, "maybe that's what you wish for when you test me, for me to feel guilty." I said, "see, that makes me feel ashamed about being manipulative." And then I was late for group so I had to go.

I hate this.

I just want him to make me feel better but he never does.

The stupid thing is that he says that I withdraw which makes him lean in, and then I de-value him and keep him at arm's length. He feels like he's working really hard and I'm not engaging. I feel like i'm trying really hard but what he's doing isn't working. It feels like an impossible bind.