there;s no need for clarification.

this isn't an interpretation on my part..

his words were clear

this was a deliberate choice on his part

i am left trying to decide it there is any way to trust him again. i don't see how... he chose this.. he decided to do this.. no accident, no misunderstanding.

i see him monday... but i have no idea why i am going really. i will not talk about this with him. He cannot play the role of cause and cure simultaneously... and please, dont anyone say thats what therapy is, because this isn't therapy. This is pain, needless, senseless, unproductive pain. No purpose.

so, i wont talk about this and i cant talk about anything else without trust.. so why am i going?

i am going because i am addicted. i feel like he burned me with acid and i still want to hear his voice. This is the hideous side of attachment... powerful attachment can do powerful things... hopefully, for the rest of you, not this sickening dread which has hung over my mind for 4 days so far... producing massive panic attacks, stomach pain, nose bleeds and insomnia...

no way out. no way in