I feel like my life just falls apart over and over again. Bipolar and borderline are sh$t. I've been hospitalized 5 times in the last year and a half and spent the rest of the time on a rollercoaster that was just under the involuntary commitment line most of the time.

My last major episode was 6 weeks ago and I ended up on the ward for 2 weeks after being happily manic and then suddenly waking up with a mission to kill myself that day. I got more drunk than I was going to and my plan was ruined when my husband figured out what I was up to. I ended up running barefoot away from my home and a few blocks later hearing trucks behind me and then "police, stop" before being grabbed and handcuffed and then brought to the hospital where I work. I continued to fight them and my arm is still hurt from being bent behind me while they tried to get me to listen. I spent all my time in the hospital calling them names, yelling and swearing at them and told the doctor and nurse that the police were liars when they told them what I said I planned to do. I got to spend another night in a cell (I'm getting used to sleeping on the floor lol but that damn concrete was cold when they wouldn't give me a blanket or mat to sleep on) and then more time in hospital with a cop watching me before being transferred to psych. This was the first time they made me wear handcuffs for the two hour trip too and I still tried strangling myself with a seatbelt. Two more days of spending all of my time trying to figure out how to kill myself before finally coming out of that state and since then I haven't really planned to kill myself though I have had passive suicidal ideation and anger that they switched me to weekly med refills to lower the amount of pills I have around but that all feels kind of normal at this point.

That was kind of long but good to get out, the real problem is that my family is not doing well. The hospitalizations and moods are confusing and scary for my kids ages 6,8 and 10 and they misbehave constantly and I have an incredibly hard time dealing with it. Then my husband basically told me tonight he can't care anymore. That if he wakes up and I'm not near him he freaks out until he knows where I am and I have been drinking the last week every night and he says he feels like its driving him crazy. I didnt know he worried so much but at the same time I don't understand how he could stop caring if he loves me which he says he does.

I go to my therapy and psychiatrist appointments and I've been taking my meds consistenly even though I have to pick them up weekly thanks to my "recurrent suicidal urges" but apparently that isnt enough to show I'm trying. I just dont think it's fair to act like I should be doing better at all of this because I feel like it's all the stupid disorders fault. He doesn't like that I work now (since June) because it puts more stress on him and I don't do enough around the house but I didnt before anyways and I love my job so much.

I'm just so frustrated and worried about what is going to happen and I don't have any friends to talk to. I'm glad to have a place to let this out, can't spend all my time in therapy haha. I usually just write things and keep them to myself but this feeling is too much for that to work, this is better.