Nowinners, I don't know about giving up alcohol. I went for a run because I have used that to help me fight the thoughts before and the run was great but I still drank when I got home. I finished my bottle tonight though so we will see how tomorrow goes. I can go a while without it and then I give in and its very hard to stop. I kind of want to and know I should though especially on the lithium, wellbutrin and depakote with the interactions it has. At the same time the fact that I'm probably working my way to an early death makes me happy most of the time.

Thank you Gabyunbound, you don't sound judgemental, it is more like a reality check. I definitely need that sometimes and I agree that I can do better. I really tried today and it was better. I can do better most of the time if I choose to I just feel like I almost need someone on my case all of the time though lol. Of course the episodes can cause lots of things that are out of my control but that is not constant and I can work around the energy level changes in between the episodes.

Blueberrybook, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. One thing I am incredibly lucky of is that I'm in Canada so healthcare is not a cost I need to worry about, that must be an incredible burden. I really like my therapist. I have never gone to therapy unless I have been forced(once when I was very young when my parents were divorcing and brother had leukemia leaving me living with my older sister and once when I tried to commit suicide at 17) I always quit as soon as I was allowed. So this is really impressive that I have gone for almost 2 years but she asked me what she is doing as my therapist last time I went and I couldn't really give a good answer. I dont listen to advice most of the time, it feels like more of a venting session for me which helps in a way but isnt great for progress obviously.

Miguel'smom we dont have anything like that here. I see my psychiatrist every few months and my therapist every few weeks and psych wards are 2 hours away. I went to a crisis stabilization unit last summer which was much nicer, a house with mandatory group and curfew but otherwise mostly freedom, but it was still inpatient and 4 hours away from home. That could be an option sometimes but I feel like it would be so hard on my family so when my therapist brings it up I just say no.