Hello

This is my first time on these forums so hope this is in the right place. This may be a long post so I apologise in advance.

I’m completely aware my ‘story’ is not as bad as most people’s I was never physically abused or otherwise but I grew up in an extremely toxic environment with a narcissistic emotionally abusive mother and an alcoholic avoidant father.

I’m 21 years old now and haven’t spoken to my mother since I was 17/18. When I was growing up my mother basically was vile to me. She used to either shout at me for hours and hours a day as a teenager/preteen calling me all sorts of names or she’d sometimes ignore me for weeks and sit in her bedroom with the door shut. In those periods often she wouldn’t do food shopping/give me money etc so sometimes would have to go without much to eat. She used to blame me for absolutely everything, everything was always my fault even when it had nothing to do with me. For example she blamed me for her and my father eventually separating, me being bullied as a child, the house being a mess when I was the only one who cleaned and so so many more things but I won’t bore anyone with them.

She used to try and sabotage any relationship I formed in my childhood/teen years, encouraging me to stop being friends with people, shouting at me when I’d go out or want to be with friends, refusing to let me go round friends houses when I was about 8 for no reason. Even going as far as threatening any boyfriend I’d have so they would always end up splitting up with me and as a teenager this broke my heart. but I managed to pull myself out of it. All I have ever wanted it to get away from her but seems like shes still in the background trying to get under my skin and ruin anything good for me. There’s probably way more things she did to me but a lot of my childhood is blurry as I’ve blocked most of it out.

As a result as growing up in this environment I’m basically terrified of people and I don’t like being around people or forming friendships. I have BPD anxiety and clinical depression.

When my dad moved out at 15 she became worse directing her anger at me all the time making me so so so depressed so at 17 i had to move out with the help of social services. Ever since then I did try and talk to her a couple of times even discussing me moving back in but once again she turned on me so I’ve had no contact for almost 2 years. In this time I’ve settled down with someone and have a young baby. Despite me obviously not telling her and even going as far as not posting on any social media about him because I know she loves to stalk me online, she’s found out I’ve had a baby.

I’m now absolutely terrified she’s going to go out of her way to cause problems in my relationship, she’ll probably start messaging my significant other and stirring to ruin my relationship and my life once again. I’m so scared she’ll spread lies about something to my partner and he’ll end up leaving my with the baby. It seems like everytime I move on and get better there she is to pull me back down again.

So so fed up just want her to go away. I’m just waiting for her to ruin everything and for me to be left all alone again with nothing.

Sorry for the post but have nowhere else to go