Hey everyone.

It's been a long time since I've been to the boards here, but this is a wall I've been hitting for years and it's beginning to affect my relationship, which I do not want.

Basically my mother and father got divorced in 2011, and I move with my mom that year. There was a lot going on with that, my father was military, and was diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar I. It was a pretty rough time for everyone, and my mom had issues like Anxiety and Depression even before that. We moved in to my Aunt's house (I was 16 at the time) and were basically living off of her for the next several years as my mom had no work experience and severe depression. I've also had a long fight with both anxiety and depression, and began to seek therapy. I eventually got a job and got back in to school.

Last year my Aunt moved out of state and I am the sole supporter (financially) for both my mom and I based on the good grades I keep up in College (from grants and VA benefits, etc.). My mom, now, a long with chronic depression and anxiety, has anemia to deal with and arthritis starting in her joints. I go to school, do homework, do housework, get groceries, do errands, spend time with her, help out friends, spend time with my boyfriend when I can.

Sometimes things around the house go undone, like the dishes, but I want to spend a decent time with my boyfriend. Not only because I like to spend time with him but also because he begins to feel like I keep putting him off to do stuff and spend time with my mom. Normally I'd be able to try and break off a little more for him but she tells me how depressed and alone and horrible she feels, and that I would be better off without her (and she has said to me very matter-of-fact before that she has seriously wanted to kill herself after a fight we had).

I do love my mom a lot and don't want anything to happen to her, but it seems like she gets stuck and can't figure out how to move forward with getting help and when I get frustrated and anxious about how its beginning to make my boyfriend feel less important she starts talking about wanting to die. She talks to people about her divorce a lot, too, and apparently when she and my boyfriend had time to speak alone he says she just kept talking about the divorce. He said it was depressing and I think he doesn't like my mom too much because he sees how stressed out I am over everything.

I don't want him to not like her, and I want to feel not so emotionally pressured/guilted into taking time apart from him. I have no idea what to do because we just run in circles with this. She says I don't hear her, which I know I cant understand it all but I've heard it and tried to help as much as I can. But she still says I "clearly" don't love her, and I don't think she knows but she continuously belittles my how I feel because she says her pain is so much worse. And I know it's not a contest, I just feel like she never gets what I'm trying to tell her that has me so overwhelmed.

She tells me she doesn't want to live, and that in order to make herself better she has to be caring for someone, and I told her that would be me. She would be caring for me by doing something to try to get better, to try to help, to try at all. And it's like the words just do not get through to her. I end up either crying my heart out because I feel like I'm not worth her effort, or because I'm afraid I'm a horrible daughter and an awful excuse for a human being.

She tells me I'm acting just like my father. But I've found out that there were problems like this that I didn't know about from her side of things, and I can understand the struggle of it from both my mom and dad's point of view. I want to help her, but anything short of holding her hand and making appointments and personally taking her to them, I just have no idea what to do.

I dont want this relationship with my mom, and I don't want a negative relationship to form between her and my boyfriend either. She's not currently suicidal, I don't think, but I dont know how much more of a total dead-end crisis point we can handle.

Thank you to anyone who made it through that all. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for, if it's just to vent...or for advice...or even reassurance that I'm not a totally unreasonable person. I just feel so horrible right now and I'm not sure where else to go to find out what to do next.

Thanks again, all. ♡

xMandyRose