T Thursday. He was maybe 4 minutes late in getting me (his previous client was leaving, but it was a guy using a walker and a woman (wife? caregiver?), so I imagine it took him a little time to get out of office and up the hall. T was right behind them--I asked if it was OK to come back, and he said yes. He then apologized for being late, which I said was OK (I mean, ex-MC used to be 20 minutes late and not even bother apologizing by the end...so 4 minutes when he's almost always right on time? OK.)

Sat down. I said how I was kind of tired from being at concert the night before. T: "Oh, how was it?" Talked about it a bit, then he asked me how often I went to them and how expensive it was--considering ticket, parking, getting something to eat, a few drinks. This made me start feeling anxious. I was like, "Can you tell talking about money makes me anxious?" Talked about concerts a few minutes, how I really only go to 5 or 6 shows a year, and he said he was thinking it was more. He said if I was into Broadway shows, how that would cost much more just to go to one or two. I mentioned the cost of going to pro football games, which I haven't done in a few years, then said that brought back a funny memory of going to one with H, where I had to drive him to a couple gas stations afterward, finding someplace where he could pee.

Which led to a 5-minute discussion about urination... T was saying how aging affects the prostate and increases the urge to go (as I'm thinking "I don't want to think about your prostate or urination habits, T!") I mentioned that it's been an issue for H since I started dating him. And how once on the way back from a concert, we were stuck in traffic, and he had to run across the highway to go. T: "My brother would just say, 'keep an empty Gatorade bottle in the car!'" (I'm now trying not to think of his brother or T peeing in an empty Gatorade bottle...) I said how on my first date with H, he went to the bathroom a bunch, and I'd later read an article in Cosmo that said if a guy goes to the bathroom a bunch, he's probably doing cocaine. T: "When was that article from, the '80s?" Me: "Nope!"

T: "So, did you want to talk about anything else today?" Me: "No, just peeing!" We both laughed. Then I said I guess we could talk about stuff from his email. He asked what stuff specifically. I said maybe what he'd said about how I see relationships. In that part of the email, he'd said: "I'm beginning to think that feeling trust and durability in your relationships are tied to predictability and feeling confident that you understand what it takes on your end to keep things positive. Your email is another reminder that you do not have much confidence in your ability, and that you feel a lot of insecurity that you'll mess things up." In session, I said I thought that seemed fairly accurate.

He said something about rules with people. Me: "Yeah, it's like I've mentioned to you I think before, how I wish people came with rulebooks or, as I put it to ex-MC, style guides. And like if I followed the rules exactly, then things would be OK. But I know people don't work like that..." T: "No, they don't." Me: "And I guess...it's not always the same even with the same person." T: "No, it can depend on the circumstance." Me: "Yeah...so it can be really complicated."

T: "I get the sense much of this came from your mom. You'd talk about how she said you had to follow certain rules with friends." Me: "Yeah, like if I canceled plans on them, they might not invite me to do anything again." T: "Yes. I think some of that came from her own anxiety about your and your relationships." Me: "Hm, like she was worried about my maintaining friendships?" T: "Yes, like that."

T: "I know I'm probably going to be diagnosing your mother many times without having met her." Me: "I'd love for you to be in a room with her to see what you could get out of her, but I doubt she'd talk about it." T: "I don't know. But I think she clearly has anxiety. And if the two of you were in an anxiety competition, I bet it would be fairly similar levels." Me: "What would an anxiety competition look like?" T laughed. "Good question! OK, over here, we have contestant number 1, LT." Me (attempting to imitate panic): "Aaaagggggghhh!" We both laughed.

I said how she'd commented at one point how if I had a best friend, I wouldn't need a therapist. T kinda shook his head at that one. I said how her comment had sort of made me feel like a failure in that I wasn't able to maintain my friendship with my former best friend, while my mom has had the same best friend for like 40 years. T said how having a "best friend" isn't necessarily as common when you get older, unless one was lucky enough to hold onto a close friendship from when they were younger. He asked what I thought made my former best friend a "best friend." I said I guessed that we were the first one the other turned to for stuff going on in our lives, we could talk about anything, that I knew I could call her at 3 a.m., etc. I said I guessed I had friends now I could call or message at 3 am--wouldn't be a big deal for the British ones, because 8 am there! He asked if I had different friends I talked to about different things. I said yes, both with online and local friends. He said that's more common as you get older and there's nothing wrong with that, how there might not just be one person I go to for everything. And that was OK.

He said he hated that one comment like that from my mom could make me feel so bad about myself, that it could have that effect on me. He noted some other comments she'd made, too. I said I also hated that. He said he hoped I could eventually get to the point where I'd basically just think, "Oh, Mom..." and not be affected like that by her comments. I said I wanted that as well.

I said that I feel a therapist has a very different role than a friend. Me: "Well, beyond the fact that I pay you. With therapy, it's OK if the vast majority of the time is all about me." T: "Really, it should all be about you. Anything of mine that I share, it should be in service to you and your therapy." Me: "OK, but in a friendship, I'd have to deal with all of your stuff, too." T: "Right, there's an expectation of reciprocity in a friendship. Also, there's the confidentiality aspect in here." Me: "True, I hadn't thought of that. So I can tell you anything." T: "Yes, and you can discuss taboo topics." Me: "Yeah, like I might not want to talk about (certain triggery thing) with a friend." T: "Or if you did, they might not give you the reaction you want or need. I'm trained in how to react to certain things." Me: "Yes, the psychological expertise, too. So, a lot of differences."

In that conversation, it was like we addressed T's "I'm not your friend" comment from the previous session without really mentioning it. That comment of his was more about what he couldn't give me; this conversation was more about what he *can* give me that maybe a friend can't, which I think is more what I need to hear and focus on (that didn't occur to me until after the session, when I thought "I should have brought up that comment," then realized I sorta had, in a way).

We were almost over time, so I got out my phone, and we confirmed next week's times. Went over and paid. T, shaking my hand, "Good luck out there!" Me: "Thanks." T: "I'll email you your invoice." (not sure why he said that, he always does). Me: "OK." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."