Sometimes I think that the way I interpret other people's actions and words-- and this applies only to the negative-- is as sure a form of self harm as any action that physically harms my body. I can perceive negativity directed towards me, including that someone has rejected me or doesn't care about me or thinks badly about me, and I focus on it until its painfulness erupts, and then I'll refuse to put it away. Even small slights or tiny negativity that I know isn't directed at me or that I know is about someone else, I can use these things to make it something negative about me.

It's not all that easy for me to stop feeling the negativity, and letting it roost inside me. At times I ask myself, where is the evidence that what I believe about this other person is actually true?

I don't see any evidence that your former T doesn't care about you other than the fact that your sessions were terminated by the administrative types over her wishes. But what can you point to say that this means she doesn't care?

Maybe there are times when we get something positive out of feeling negative, it confirms a belief that the world is a terrible place full of awful people, that things can never get any better. Maybe some wallowing in this is useful, I have felt that way more than a time or two. And empathy from others about the negative circumstances can be reinforcing of the negativity.

But if there isn't a good reason to continue on with the negative interpretations of other people's rejections, it just starts to feel like an emotional form of self harm. It's one thing to recycle the harms that are objective, like termination itself, as it may take as many cycles as it takes to deal with all the negative consequences of that. But interpreting extra negativity on top of it, like your former T doesn't care, seems like gasoline on the fire. You're not even speaking to her to be able to get a glimpse into her head or perspective, and even if you were, it would be kind of unprofessional for her to talk about how badly she feels about this. Keep your stuff out of the room, as the T code goes.

I'm not trying to say that you should not post about your feelings here or that you are wrong to think this way. I guess my point is to encourage you to consider whether your own interpretations might be overblown, without evidence, or otherwise being used against your own self.