Sarah, do you have any support besides the psychiatric nurse and this forum? You mentioned some chats that you participate in, too?

That’s been the key for me in making my way through what may be a similar experience. Not that I’m all the way “through” by a long shot, but things are somewhat better.

As I’ve said before on this forum, about 6 months after my last therapist terminated therapy, the feeling somehow, finally, arose in me that the way I felt rejected by her was similar to how I had felt rejected by some of my female relatives when I was a relatively young child – 4 or 5, maybe. Maybe earlier, too, I don’t know. And that feeling had been cut off or “repressed” or whatever you want to call it since then.

The recollection of that feeling, in the context of other feelings I had about my relatives back then, was physically devastating to me – I stayed in the bed, depressed, for several days and the whole month after that was kind of a blur. Even 2 or 3 months later was fuzzy. None of my depressions in adulthood had been like that. And I guess it’s easy to see why – I could not function in that state.

It has been the acceptance of others, into a world where maybe I can “be”, which has helped bring me out of that. Again, even after 2 years, I am still not “there”. But things are better. Usually. Sometimes.

In addition to my “issues” I believe I have what may be an unusual temperament. Some people “get” me, some (perhaps many) don’t. Many in my family didn’t, I think, and it seems as if there just wasn’t enough love or something to overcome that and accept me anyway. Super, super, super sad. The grief is still present, but “feelable” now. Whereas before, it had kind of lain at the bottom of things for a long, long time.

It couldn’t “come out”, though, except for when I (kind of, somehow?) felt safe enough in PC that I knew I had somewhere I could “be”, not just all by myself. Although I was all alone in my home as I processed that feeling. Still, I could come here and “vent” and not be rejected, even if not totally accepted all the time.

I have come to believe that current psychotherapy does not know how to deal with “issues” like mine. But I do think that perhaps we can support each other, until each of us can “get on our feet” as an independent person. And we can still support each other, then, too – why not?

Unfortunately, again, I don’t think therapists currently know a lot about this – and I’ve seen some presumably well-qualified ones – so whatever it is that is needed to get “better” or “well” is not known, either.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, was my motto during the darkest of times and sometimes, when darkness comes again, it still is. But usually, when darkness comes now, it doesn’t last quite so long.