I really feel your pain. Been there, done that.

I had my own crushing experience a long time ago. I had an enormously traumatic termination of my first therapy, which came not long after some other tragic experiences like a sudden death of my sister and a heart wrenching rupture with my parents and a loss of friends. It's a very long story, so I won't get into this right now. One thing I can tell is that I was going through some pretty tough ****, which was why I sought therapy. It was helpful for about 6 months. Then, the intense transference came and everything turned into "working on the relationship" with the therapist while my own life was in tatters and I desperately needed someone to help me manage a lot of ****. This "relationship work" naturally lead to a pathological dependency on the therapist, which is something he, not surprisingly, wasn't able to handle. The usual gaslighting took place when he completely denied any responsibility and didn't have enough honesty and integrity to refer me to someone else.

Long story short, I ended up close to where you are right now and where many people find themselves, as I see from many threads here. The contexts of those terminations may be somewhat different, but the sense of powerlessness, devastation, vulnerability, hopelessness, unfairness, I think, is something many people have experienced in a more or less the same way.

That termination brought me to a state of a major clinical depression when I couldn't get out of bed for the most part of the day. I would force myself to get up, put one foot in front of the other and do what I still had to: to pick up my son from school, feed him lunch, do house chores, make dinner..and, as soon as some basic stuff was done, I'd drop on the bed and lay flat there..It was difficult sometimes to take a shower and to brush my teeth - a classic symptom of a severe depression.

What helped me survive it was my decision to treat my state of mind as an illness that just needed all the time and the space it needed to heal. I looked at it pretty much the same way as I'd look at a flu or any acute episode of some illness that is here temporarily and that will go away when it is allowed to run its course. When I say "illness" I don't mean to say that I was experiencing something pathological or that something was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me. My experience was a normal traumatic reaction to the harmful methods that the therapist used with me. But since it was traumatic, it did make me feel ill, weak and vulnerable similarly to how a physical illness makes us feel.

So, I focused on making my life as gentle and comfortable as I could at that time. I paid much attention to grounding myself with self-care practices like eating nutritious foods, getting outdoors at least 15 - 20 min a day. I allowed all the feelings to come out when they wanted to, I cried as much as I needed to cry. But, at the same time, I also would make sure that I do something emotionally uplifting like watching a good movie every now and then, going to some local event and stuff like that. Because it's very easy to isolate yourself from the world and to get sucked into a dark place so much that you would't want to come out. I have a propensity to push people away when I am in a dark place and to isolate myself from the world. While I don't judge that, I know that I constantly need to force myself to stay engaged with life even on the small scale when I feel crappy, otherwise, I can easily turn into something I don't want to turn into..

Anyway, take all this for what it's worth and decide for yourself if you want to use my strategy. It worked for me.

Oh, yes, I am sorry, I didn't respond to the point of caring vs not caring..I didn't because being where you are right now, I don't think it matters whether your T cared about you or not. What matters now is that, as a result of her actions, you are where you are - heartbroken, powerless, vulnerable, helpless and hopeless..

I always hated it when those who hurt me assured me of their "good intentions"..but never took responsibility for their actions. It's the actions that count, not intentions and not feelings. I will consider feelings and intentions of those who harmed me only AFTER they take responsibility for their harmful actions and only AFTER they apologize. They have to listen to me first and they have to acknowledge what they did and how it affected me before I am able to listen to them. If I am the one who got hurt, my feelings and my needs have a priority over those who hurt me.

You will never know how your T really felt about you because, from what you've told so far, she is clearly not inclined to have a candid conversation with you and to explain anything beyond the superficial "i don't know why i did this". This is something you'd have to accept. Trying to speculate about it and listening to other people speculating about it would just continue to keep you stuck. You know what you know and what you know is that she did harm you. Whether it was an honest mistake or something else doesn't change the fact that her actions were harmful and that she is responsible for what she did. And that is something that you know for a fact and something you need to deal with.