Thanks. Yes, I agree itīs easy to interpret a situation like this into all being negative and feeling very hurt. I also have the good memories in mind when I think about my therapist some days but the pain isnīt compensated by that.
I think what I mostly think of when I say she doesnīt care is that she more or less lied to me almost from the beginning when she told me I could see her for as long as I needed. She did that although she knew about the session limit. I see it as a way of wanting me to feel safe and in her I see a wish to protect and to care. Early on she told me about her wish to become a mother and she wasnīt able to and I think it was when she realised that she started her education to become a therapist.
But thatīs not professional in any way and by that I donīt see that as her caring about me. Also, now when she doesnīt see me anymore she can move on with her life while Iīm stuck.
As I donīt see her anymore I would really appreciate if she was honest in this and, when we spoke on the phone two times after the abrupt ending, had told me how she feels about this. To me it had been valuable if she had admitted that she also felt bad about this. I donīt mean she should elaborate but just admitting how she feels.
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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
Sometimes I think that the way I interpret other people's actions and words-- and this applies only to the negative-- is as sure a form of self harm as any action that physically harms my body. I can perceive negativity directed towards me, including that someone has rejected me or doesn't care about me or thinks badly about me, and I focus on it until its painfulness erupts, and then I'll refuse to put it away. Even small slights or tiny negativity that I know isn't directed at me or that I know is about someone else, I can use these things to make it something negative about me.
It's not all that easy for me to stop feeling the negativity, and letting it roost inside me. At times I ask myself, where is the evidence that what I believe about this other person is actually true?
I don't see any evidence that your former T doesn't care about you other than the fact that your sessions were terminated by the administrative types over her wishes. But what can you point to say that this means she doesn't care?
Maybe there are times when we get something positive out of feeling negative, it confirms a belief that the world is a terrible place full of awful people, that things can never get any better. Maybe some wallowing in this is useful, I have felt that way more than a time or two. And empathy from others about the negative circumstances can be reinforcing of the negativity.
But if there isn't a good reason to continue on with the negative interpretations of other people's rejections, it just starts to feel like an emotional form of self harm. It's one thing to recycle the harms that are objective, like termination itself, as it may take as many cycles as it takes to deal with all the negative consequences of that. But interpreting extra negativity on top of it, like your former T doesn't care, seems like gasoline on the fire. You're not even speaking to her to be able to get a glimpse into her head or perspective, and even if you were, it would be kind of unprofessional for her to talk about how badly she feels about this. Keep your stuff out of the room, as the T code goes.
I'm not trying to say that you should not post about your feelings here or that you are wrong to think this way. I guess my point is to encourage you to consider whether your own interpretations might be overblown, without evidence, or otherwise being used against your own self.
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