Posted from my journal tonight. Take from it what you can.

I know we are all dealing with stuff. All I can offer this board are the occasional posts like this (my life has become insanely busy). Hopefully I will one day have more time to offer someone else some comfort and advice. But for now I can only share my experiences.

Thanks to all for your support and advice! I've taken it all to heart and it HAS made a difference.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Charlotte can’t handle her family. They work to get under her skin, shame on them. She lets them, shame on her.

I went to bed. I sat up and had a few beers and thought about all this. I went to sleep around 10 and woke up around 2:15 to pee. Now I can’t sleep and it’s 3.

#1 and above all else is my concern for our daughter, Mya. She is this perfect, empty little vessel that we can fill up with whatever we want. 99% of the time Charlotte fills her up with the good stuff—love and smarts and fun. But then there are times like last night where she lets her insecurities and boorish behavior come spilling out and we both know that, eventually, this will affect Mya.

Seeing her mother’s debilitating insecurities could very well motivate her to harbor/nurture her own insecurities down the line, affecting how she sees her self as well as her family relationships (whatever we let her have as well as her own down the road) as well as her friendships and intimate relationships.

Seeing her mom behave like that might make her think such behavior is acceptable towards the one they love. It’s o.k. to be mean, bitter and sarcastic towards your husband.

And the thing about this that’s most frustrating is that Charlotte KNOWS it’s bad for Mya, yet she keeps doing it. For a long time I’ve felt honest in assuaging Charlottes’s concerns about how these occasional, but regular, outbursts will affect her daughter. But Mya is almost 2 now and halfway through the most formative years of her life. Something must change, and soon or I fear some damage will be done.

As far as what led to the outburst last night, Charlotte’s family clearly scarred her growing up, especially her sisters. It’s like when they get together, Charlotte’s emotions retreat to when she was 13 again. It only took a difference of opinion as to whether Ava was hungry or not (her stepsister and stepmother saying, “She’s fine”) to send Jen spiraling downward (although it’s clear her stepsister’s impending visit started the process). Outwardly, Charlotte kept her composure. I may have not been paying super close attention, but I didn’t catch any obvious social ripples of awkwardness or hostility. But later, in the car, all hell broke loose. Even our daycare provider, who we love, is known for saying the kids are “fine”, but it’s clearly different when her stepsister/stepmother say it. Obviously, some serious stuff happened growing up.

When is Charlotte going to grow up and stop feeling like the abused baby sister? She’s 35 now. 40? 45? 55? When is she going to be able to tell herself, “That’s unfortunate that they don’t share my opinion, but this is my life and my baby” and let it go at that?

As for my role in all this, was it my fault that Charlotte had the meltdown? I guess to a degree. I surely hoped that Charlotte would not let such things get to her. After all, she’s made some good progress in dealing with her insecurities. I’ve gotten better about anticipating these episodes in advance of holidays, family gatherings and social engagements (even with people she likes). It was certainly a mistake that I didn’t anticipate it this time. Whatever her family did to her, it was clearly very, very scarring and Jen needs my support and protection ESPECIALLY AROUND HER FAMILY. I need to be more vigilant.

But how Charlotte behaves in the presence of her daughter is solely her responsibility.

We have 2 options—1) We can cut the family visits out, so Mya doesn’t get to know her cousins. Or, 2) Charlotte can stop feeling like the abused little sister. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d prefer #2. Not so much because I think Mya needs to know her cousins (I do), but because if Charlotte can get over that hurdle, she might actually find some happiness.