I wanted to bring this here. Maybe ya'll could help.

This talks of integration, so yeah... if that is triggery to you, best to move along now. Self care, it is important.

I watched some video tonight about a woman with DID. She had a little come out at on point. It put a smile on my face, the way the little was comfy cozy talking with that dude. It also got me thinking about myself and the other mes who are not quite me. I wrote a damn list... a who is who in here (those I think might still be in here), this body of mine. I sat around for a bit asking myself if anyone else was in here with me. I got no response. I wasn't really expecting one. At least not so quick. Would have been nice though.

Anyway... The last time I remember losing time was back in February or March. I went from being a person who would be up to ten people a day to one all day every day. Twenty four hours is soooooo long and life is... meh. That's another thing though. That seems important. The way I used to function v/s how I have been. It's an extreme change to me. I went from living a few hours in a day to all of them... that's big. To me anyhow.

Thing is, I don't know that I am integrated. I don't know that I am not. I know time loss isn't a thing, but I have also had others go 'dormant' for whatever reason. I just don't know. And that is bothering me for many reasons. I'm used to fighting the not knowing/uncertainty/doubt that I have DID with obvious things I cannot logically ignore, like time loss. I'm afraid I am doing my others a disservice by thinking it's just me if it is not. There's more, but, the whole thing has me at a loss. I think to myself if it is integration, shouldn't I know it? If it isn't, shouldn't I know it? All I know is that I know nothing. I'm just here.

And I know no one here can tell me some answer that will be that light bulb over the head all conclusive thing-a-ma-bobber or whatever. And I can't ask my therapist because I got rid of her due to her inability to be helpful and not stressful. I'm not asking for that, I don't want another psych professional.

What I am asking for is can any of you relate? Have you had a time where you went from being many 'yous' to just 'you' flying solo? If you did, how'd that go? What did you do? Did they come back or stay gone or something else? Or have you ever had a way that you functioned for a long time change on you? If you did, what did you do with your new normal? How did you handle it? Did you believe it and did it stick? Or what would you do in my situation... if you read and some kind of advice popped in your head lay it on me by all means.

I'm finding this all rather perplexing tonight. I blame the video... the video I fell bassackwards into on a not DID forum elsewhere. I know it's not though. It's been something that has been bugging me for more than a little while now. But yeah, like the title says, any input would be welcome. I am at a total loss right about now. And with that, I am going to bed and gonna try to talk to my potentially not so inner inner selves. I thank you for reading.

-me (whoever that is or is not these days)