I’ve been up and down a lot over the last couple weeks, which is really unlike me — I’m usually steadily (and probably annoyingly) upbeat and energetic. I messed around with my meds when I shouldn’t have. IDK what makes me think that is ever the right answer —it has NEVER worked out for me in the past. But I tried my hand at it anyway, and it was a bust. I don’t understand how lithium works — but I’ve found that taking more or less of it seriously changes how my mind responds. Then I had this idea about using Benadryl as an anti-anxiety med, which was sort of effective, but again, I know nothing about neurochemical whateveryhoos, and it wound up being problematic. When I stopped playing and just went back to the meds how they were prescribed, things leveled out. I swear this is a lesson I have had to relearn a dozen times over the last decade.

There is this new person at work, and she is so smart and well-spoken and professional. I find myself feeling inadequate around her. She catches small mistakes that I make (not in a snotty way— just in a “she is on top of things and wants to make sure everything is right” way), and each time I feel more inferior. We have very different jobs, so it’s not like we are in competition. And I’m glad to have someone so competent to work with. But it’s like I can’t just let her be her awesome self and me be my awesome self. For some reason, my mind uses her awesomeness as a reason to deflate my own. I really dislike this about myself.