I can fully understand
Your frustation that I
Was deployed to a team
Which consisted of some
Of the highest skilled workers.
And I had no experience.
Not even anything similar.
The clientelle were
Often situated out with
The town meaning
Many were well off
Or expected their matters
Were kept as private
As possible and expexted
Well trained and
Professional staff. I
Needed a placement
In a real setting.
The theory would not
Have been enough.
But I was used
To being thrown in
The deep end that
I thought this was
The only way to learn.
And my experiences
Had taught me how
To hang on in there.
I just had it lodged
That I could not
Quit unless I had
Another job to go to.
The reasons layed with
Fred and my family who
Had subjected me
To years of verbal abuse
Undermining my strength
Of character and sense
Of responsibility so
I was afraid that
My fragile ego
Could not cope
Unless I had a
Means to support myself.
Your reservations were justified.
I was too stubborn
To admit I was in
Over my head
And this job was
Going against the grain.
This was alien territory
For me and I was also
A little conceited to
Believe I could
Fit into the mould
And not feel like a fraud.
Which I did. Feel fake.
My problems rested
With people closer to home.
There just was not
Many opportunities for
Youngsters in my area.
But I was by far
Not the only one person
In their early twenties
To come face to face
With the same
Catch 22 situation.
I needed employment.
A grant from college
Could not support
Me to pay bills
And only work part time.
And online studying
Was not only isolating
But would take twice
As long while working.
So I was in a quandary:
I had dropped out
But failed to secure
An office junior or apprenticeship
That I sought.
I Found myself looking at just,
A means to an end.
Accepting the first
Job I could get my
Hands on with no
Intention of staying.
Therefore like school
I would never apply myself.
Maintaining the shallowest
Relationships I could,
With my colleagues.
So I made enemies
But rarely made friends.
And my sense of worth
Was further disintegrating.
Creating more friction.
In my home life as
I was exasperated at my
Present situation and
Being in a dead end
Job forever more.
It wasn't just the job.
With little money,
It meant not much
Of a life outside work.
I knew the reason.
It was the hospital.
And my life revolved
Around trying to
Keep Fred happy.
I owed him after all.
I do not think he would
Have accepted the job
He was offered
By an old employer
Who had branched out
If I said he obviously
Wasn't content in his
Previous job and to do it,
And jump ship.
I would be kept awake
Agonising over how
I could support my
Future family with Fred.
I did think of these things.
Maybe not out loud.
Just passing little notions.
At night when it
Was quiet before drifting off.
A sting of woe.
And the only thing
I wanted from Fred
Was for him to
Let me go.