T yesterday. He was wearing jeans, which is quite unusual for him, and a pumpkin-colored button-down (very seasonally appropriate!) And boring white socks. And no ring.

We'd pushed the session back a bit (he had later opening) so I'd have more time to recover from a migraine. So we talked about that briefly, as I discussed a few things that I thought may have contributed to it--was a really busy, stressful weekend (part of which involved my parents).

I said how part of me wanted to talk about a particular topic, certain details of which I'd never shared with anyone before. But that I was also sort of afraid to. Because I felt ashamed about it. T: "It sounds like you want to talk about it." Me: "Yeah...oh, and it's not about you!" T smiled and said, "It sounds like you're afraid I'll run screaming from the room if it's about me." Me: "Well..." I think I gave a few other disclaimers, which he commented on, then went ahead with it.

It's something really personal, so not going into the actual topic or details here. But he handled it well, listening, not seeming to judge me for it, asking appropriate questions.

The conversation eventually shifted to be about my relationship with H. I said how at times it feels like there's something blocking my connection to him. T said he gets the sense that I want more from him than he's maybe capable of giving. Including the level of emotional holding that I seem to want from H, or from anyone really. I said that made sense. Me: "I just...tend to have this romantic vision of what love is supposed to be like." T: "Yes, I get that sense from you." Me: "But I know it's not realistic...to want that much from one person. I mean, I guess there are some marriages where they get everything they need emotionally, intellectually, sexually..."

T: "Some author--I forget the name--said something like, 'If you marry Steve, you get certain positives along with certain problems. If you marry Mike, you get a different set of positives and a different set of problems. But there are always the problems there along with the positives, it just depends on who you pick which ones of each you get." Me: "Yeah, that makes sense. It's just, like I said, having that whole idealized vision of a relationship, wanting that kind of connection..."

T: "It can be especially common when you're younger, like teen and college age, for people to equate sexual connection with emotional connection. Like, you have your body part inside someone else's body, and it's literally the closest you can possibly get to another person physically, so it can feel that way emotionally, too." Me [Thrown off slightly by that description of sex]: ".......... Yeah, like I think of my college boyfriend, where it felt like we were really compatible sexually and just felt connected. I mean, I guess he was only the second guy I was with, so it seemed more intense..." T: "Wait, who was only the second guy you were with?" "College guy [name]. Not H, I've been with other people before him." T: "OK, that's what I thought you'd said before."

Me: "But I wonder at times...if I'm chasing that feeling with people. Like maybe it's why I would switch back and forth from dating the sorts of guys I'm naturally drawn to, like the artists and musicians, who I'm attracted to, but are less reliable. Like maybe there's emotional connection, but they also have their own issues there... And then to more reliable people, where we got along well, but the attraction wasn't there at the same level. So then... But...that was a feeling from who I was back then, when I was 21, so...maybe it's just different now." T talked about how marriage/living together is different, how you deal with the socks on the floor and bad morning breath and things like that. T said something about a person seeming ideal, but they're not. No clue why I pulled this example, but I mentioned Hugh Grant, how maybe it seemed like he had this perfect life, married to a model, but then he was caught hooking up with a prostitute in a car. T: "Yes, good example. And Hugh Grant probably has bad breath and a hairy butt." I laughed. "Yeah."

I said that I felt we needed to spend more time talking about stuff with my H in there in general, and T agreed. I said I knew we needed to stop in a minute, then we started talking about something else related to original topic for a few minutes. Then T glanced at the clock and was like, "Oh! I'm going to make myself late!" I looked and saw it was on the hour (still had to schedule and pay) and reflexively said, "Sorry about that." T: "No, it's not your fault, it's on me to keep the time." I said we could just schedule on email or something, but he said fine to do it then. Confirmed Thursday, then scheduled for next Monday and Thursday for usual time. T: "I'll make sure to just block out that time going forward for you." Me: "Thanks."

Went over to pay, as we were talking about him rescheduling me till later that day. He said he'd had slot open anyway, that all he did was shift his paperwork time to earlier. I said something about how maybe he wished he'd just done his paperwork this hour instead. T: "Never!" He shook my hand and said, "Good luck to you out there." Me: "Thanks. You too." I sorta waved "bye" for whatever reason, then headed out.