(Self harm tw in the last two paragraphs)

I asked him if he believed me. I was worried he'd doubt me because I'm telling him that none of the therapists/judge/lawyers believed that living with my father was detrimental to my wellbeing.
He said he believed me. He gave an example of a case he spoke in court about when he was a post doc where he testified that the father was super abusive and the daughter still had to go back.
I told him I don't always believe myself.
That I know how bad human beings are at memory. That if everyone else disagrees with you you're probably wrong.
But I pointed out that logically I know my brother and mom had the same experience and were just as damaged by it.

He asked why this was coming up now. I said it was the internal conflict about whether I was "allowed" to believe that my beliefs about myself were distorted because of this stuff and that's where they came from. Because the alternative is that I believe that I'm a bad weak pathetic person because it's true. And so I have to be able to trust that it's from this childhood stuff, otherwise it feels like I'm trying to not blame myself for something that's my fault.

Weirdly I actually looked at him for like half the session. It was nice. I felt more connected. It was different.

He was pushing me to do what I felt was too much too quickly. When I push in one direction my brain pushes back, and I'm worried that if I try to do too much proactively being nice to myself that there's going to be backlash and it will end badly.

At some point he had a small smile and looked slightly amused and I asked him why and he said something like that he gets reminded that I'm going to do things my way at my own pace or something like that. I don't remember his exact wording. He wasn't saying I was stubborn exactly, like it wasn't in a bad way. His wording wasn't really what stood out to me, it was the way he said it, like there was some fondness in his voice or something.
It sounds weird but it meant a lot. It made me feel special. Because he was smiling to himself, not for my benefit, and it seemed really genuine and kind of spontaneous. It was also a kind of rare glimpse into his emotions.

I don't really understand it. He deals with the worst parts of me twice a week. I'm moody and unpredictable and resentful and emotional and irrational and I'm sure I'm really frustrating.
I kind of want to ask him how he can not hate me. But that feels manipulative like I'm trying to get him to say nice things.

I was wearing a shorter sleeved shirt than usual, a fitted women's t-shirt instead of a men's shirt or something, because I need to do laundry. My upper arms are pretty much covered in literally countless self harm scars that are hard to miss, and it tends to be something most people are shocked (or horrified) by. As I walked out I saw the person I assume was his next patient, a woman in maybe her early 40s, glance at me as I walked out and I saw the moment of recognition when she noticed and I was kind of amused by that. I don't usually pay attention because I forget about them, but occasionally I do notice someone else noticing.

I don't know why I care at all in this specific instance or why it gave me that small sense of satisfaction. Maybe I want to seem deserving of his time? Maybe it was a possessive thing? There are other kinds of offices in the hallway so it wouldn't necessarily be obvious that I was coming from his office/therapy. Or maybe I just like attention, who knows?
Thinking about it now, maybe I liked the idea of it being clear that I'm doing longer term fairly intense/deep therapy, that I'm not just a casual short term patient he's helping with work stress or something. I like the idea of her thinking about me getting his attention and him caring about me.
Ugh.