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Originally Posted by L.P.
I wanted to bring this here. Maybe ya'll could help.
This talks of integration, so yeah... if that is triggery to you, best to move along now. Self care, it is important.
I watched some video tonight about a woman with DID. She had a little come out at on point. It put a smile on my face, the way the little was comfy cozy talking with that dude. It also got me thinking about myself and the other mes who are not quite me. I wrote a damn list... a who is who in here (those I think might still be in here), this body of mine. I sat around for a bit asking myself if anyone else was in here with me. I got no response. I wasn't really expecting one. At least not so quick. Would have been nice though.
Anyway... The last time I remember losing time was back in February or March. I went from being a person who would be up to ten people a day to one all day every day. Twenty four hours is soooooo long and life is... meh. That's another thing though. That seems important. The way I used to function v/s how I have been. It's an extreme change to me. I went from living a few hours in a day to all of them... that's big. To me anyhow.
Thing is, I don't know that I am integrated. I don't know that I am not. I know time loss isn't a thing, but I have also had others go 'dormant' for whatever reason. I just don't know. And that is bothering me for many reasons. I'm used to fighting the not knowing/uncertainty/doubt that I have DID with obvious things I cannot logically ignore, like time loss. I'm afraid I am doing my others a disservice by thinking it's just me if it is not. There's more, but, the whole thing has me at a loss. I think to myself if it is integration, shouldn't I know it? If it isn't, shouldn't I know it? All I know is that I know nothing. I'm just here.
And I know no one here can tell me some answer that will be that light bulb over the head all conclusive thing-a-ma-bobber or whatever. And I can't ask my therapist because I got rid of her due to her inability to be helpful and not stressful. I'm not asking for that, I don't want another psych professional.
What I am asking for is can any of you relate? Have you had a time where you went from being many 'yous' to just 'you' flying solo? If you did, how'd that go? What did you do? Did they come back or stay gone or something else? Or have you ever had a way that you functioned for a long time change on you? If you did, what did you do with your new normal? How did you handle it? Did you believe it and did it stick? Or what would you do in my situation... if you read and some kind of advice popped in your head lay it on me by all means.
I'm finding this all rather perplexing tonight. I blame the video... the video I fell bassackwards into on a not DID forum elsewhere. I know it's not though. It's been something that has been bugging me for more than a little while now. But yeah, like the title says, any input would be welcome. I am at a total loss right about now. And with that, I am going to bed and gonna try to talk to my potentially not so inner inner selves. I thank you for reading.
-me (whoever that is or is not these days)
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I'm sorry you are struggling and questioning all this.I know firsthand how confusing it can all be.I do believe you will eventually figure things out and come up with your own answers.
Can someone integrate and not know it?Sure they can.I had a fairly large group of young ones that gradually became smaller as time in therapy passed until it 'seemed like'and 'felt like' they all merged into just one young one.I was confused about whether that had really happened or not and what it meant.After awhile I finally talked to my therapist about it and he explained they had integrated into one.It wasn't like BAM and there was instant knowledge it had happened,like you I was confused and questioning things.
It was kinda like that throughout the whole integration process for me,things being different and questioning what was going on until finally I reached full integration and then I did know for sure that's what it was.And no,mine didn't return or un-integrate.For mr it was more like them 'dissolving' into me,but that word sounds too dramatic for what I am trying to explain but I don't know how else to explain it.
There were times though before full integration that some would kinda just fade into the background for awhile.Usually other ones came forward though,depending on the situations,what my tirggers were,what type of stress I had going on in my life,etc.For example,if I was going through a lot of stress at work then the younger ones kinda faded into the background for awhile and the adults were the ones being triggered out.Sometimes for days,weeks,even months.But then if there was family stress the young ones would be triggered.It wasn't always the same ones because things in my life were always so different.There were times I thought maybe some were gone but they weren't,it was just they weren't being triggered out to do their roles.Hope that makes sense.
If it makes you feel better,I think what you're experiencing right now,the questioning,the doubts,the confusuion,etc. is pretty common with DID.I hope things settle down or you find some clarity soon.