I saw my new T today. He seemed kinda nervous. I was kinda nervous too.

I tried to give him a rundown of all the s**t that has happened in the last few years. He said it sounded traumatic, but he was stumbling over his words a bit.

We talked about him being the same age as me and my complicated feelings about that. Also about him having such a similar approach to me, so that it's almost like being counselled by myself. How there's no mystical magic trick in it, I know exactly what he's doing. And that's okay. But there's a part of me that wishes he could save me, fix me.

I talked about my issues with my heart, and the prospect of having surgery. I cried a fair bit, and when I cried I missed T2 so much that it hurt. He asked what was going on for me in those moments, and I told him (that I was missing T2), and he said that's what he'd suspected. He seemed to understand.

I felt irritated with him a few times. He stated the obvious a bit. He asked me what my crying was about a couple of times and a part of me wanted to say "I'm crying because I'm sad, you f***ing idiot."

I also sort of felt like telling him - part of me felt like telling him - to go away, to f*** off, because I don't want him. I just want T2.

But he doesn't deserve any of that. He's lovely, really, and I think I felt safe with him and held by him. He'll do.

I know I had similar feelings when I started with T2. So there is hope. Plenty of it. Just... FFS this really sucks.

He said something at the end like "I'm glad we've started our work together" or something and I appreciate the sentiment and all but it didn't seem that genuine, I guess I didn't believe he really meant it.

Oh, also, I didn't feel that attracted to him... which is a good sign, I guess. I don't want to fall in love with him. Been there...