First session of the week today. After saying hi, I gave my T my blood test results and ECG results. He looked at them, commented on how my red blood cells were a bit low, mentioned how that can be connected to women bleeding a lot (which was a bit weird) and how all other things looked okay. Then he asked me how my time between sessions had been.

I started off by saying I had been sick the past few days, just a cold, nothing bad, but still. I feel like every time I'm sick I tend to be more calm, like my body can't deal with being sick plus emotions. T said he had noticed the same with himself. I mentioned having a lot of mood swings, as per usual. Just before going to get my blood work done, I was at my parent's house and after leaving from there, I felt so sad I almost started crying on the streets. T asked what made me so sad, but I didn't feel like telling him.

Then I told him how I told my mom about starting medication. He asked why I told her, I said she told me early on when I started therapy that I should tell her in case he wants to prescribe anything. And on top of that, she's a pharmacist so maybe she has some useful input. He wanted to know what her reply was, but I didn't know, since I was too scared to read her email. He asked me what my own thoughts were on it, to which I said that I agreed to try it, so obviously I'm fine with it. He said most therapists would probably say it's worth a try, but some might have a different opinion. I said 'there's always different opinions on each topic' which he thought was funny, probably since that's what he always says when I only see a single option to something.
We started talking more about my mom. I mentioned how she's searching for a new job. She's currently working at a hospital and they have lots of issues with narcotics. They seem to disappear all the time, yet the president doesn't care. And of course if there were an inspection, the pharmacists would be to blame. She also doesn't feel appreciated there. So now she's looking for new options and she decided to apply for a position at a psychiatric hospital. Which I think is kind of weird, given that she was never interested in my problems when I lived with her. He asked me what I meant by that. I said well, when I was for example scared, she would just say 'oh, you don't need to be scared'. He wanted to know whether she maybe mirrored my fear, wanted to know why I'm scared or anything like that, but no, she just didn't think there was a reason to be scared so she said I shouldn't be. He said that happens to a lot of people. He asked whether she was ever scared herself, whether I could see that in her? I said no, but she was angry a lot, and sad a couple of times. He asked what being angry meant, what would she do, would she scream around? It was actually rather passive aggressive. She'd change her tone, blame me for everything I'd have done, and not accept if I got angry as well. He asked for how long she was usually angry, which was maybe a few minutes. I usually went to my room and after coming back out she was fine again. It didn't last for days or something like that.

We discussed me being scared more. Almost every night as a kid I was scared that my parents would just somehow disappear. So I'd ask them whether they'd watch me/protect me and be there when I woke up. And they'd always just say 'yes'. They never asked why I was scared or something like that. And when traveling, I always was scared our plane would crash. In those situations they'd just say 'there's no need to be scared'.

At some point T said how we're not trying to place blame in therapy. I laughed and told him how when I had just started therapy, my mom asked me how it was going. The previous session he had just told me that we are not blaming people here. And she asked 'am I already to blame for everything?'. So I thought it was kind of funny. He said that's a very normal response for parents, if your kid needs help for mental issues, you might think it's your own fault and wonder what you should have done differently.

After some silence, he asked me whether he should write me a prescription for meds. I nodded, so he told me again about how I should take them, and I asked some questions regarding interactions with other drugs.

Somewhere here we also started talking about how I like to inform myself on my issues. He mentioned how some clients don't inform themselves and some even don't want to hear about it from him. I was kind of irritated by that, why would they not want to know what they are struggling with? I mentioned reading a lot of scientific papers and books on the topic, he asked what books I had been reading. I didn't remember the titles, but mentioned that one of them was actually for people close to somebody struggling with BPD. My partner doesn't feel like reading it, so I decided to read it and tell him the important stuff instead. T found that kind of funny.

Then, he wrote down the last parts of the prescription and went to copy it. I had a chance to look at the books in his office since he was gone (I could look at them at any time, but they are next to him, so it would mean also looking at him, which is hard enough without trying to read book titles). I memorized some to have some more reading material.

Then he came back, gave me my prescription and mentioned how he was glad I texted him regarding whether I'd have time on Friday. I have some interviews that day and didn't know whether I could make it. At first I assumed I could not, but then the organizers changed stuff around and I will be able to go at my regular time. So first I had texted him I couldn't make it and then I had to change that statement. He said how he hadn't scheduled anybody else for that time, but that he was glad I told him else he might have.

We said good bye and I left. For the first time ever, I ran into someone while leaving. And older guy reeking of smoke. I really hope my T didn't have to deal with that guy, the smell was really intolerable.