I'm trying to treat myself differently. Trying to "love" myself which has always been... impossible.

So lately I have been framing myself in my mind as two people: Me (my conscious mind) and the other person (my subconscious mind). I have been telling myself that I should believe that the other person is capable of greatness and success. I've been telling myself that the other person can be a good leader and that I just have to believe that he and I working together can lead a good life.

I started framing it as a business. My subconscious mind is the boss and my conscious mind is an employee. As long as I stay positive and be a good employee (eat well, sleep well, perform my tasks, maintain a good attitude) then the boss can continue achieving his vision--a vision of success that I hopefully agree with.

This is how I had to frame it in my mind. I had to imagine that I'm trying to love and trust someone I don't entirely know--my subconscious.

This was working for several days but then something happened that ruined it all. I'll skip those details. Now everything feels different.

Where previously I felt in touch with the deep emotions that brewed from my subconscious, now they feel detached. Returning to the "business" analogy: I feel like a scared employee working for a boss I don't trust and don't know. He's locked in his office and I'm worried what he'll say or do.

With that in mind, I called a suicide prevention hotline last night and they put me on hold.