I told T that I thought about no-showing to send a big “screw you” message to him, but ultimately thought that wouldn’t be effective (thanks PC). For those of you not aware, T decided last week to no longer reply to my emails after about a year of replying. I said that I had felt angry and hurt, but was starting not not care as much and wasn’t sure if it was because my feelings were changing or because I didn’t want to deal with conflict. T apologized for the way he went about deciding not to respond to emails last week, particularly the fact that he made the decision unilaterally without talking to me first. He said he would do it differently if he could do it again. Said he thinks I would have felt hurt even if he had done it differently, but it still would have been better. He said our email relationship is creating distance because I don’t bring those thoughts and feelings in the room once I have sent them in email. Sometimes I don’t even remember what I’ve emailed or am not willing to discuss it if it feels vulnerable. He said he felt we were acting something out with our email relationship and that needed to change. It was nothing I said in emails and nothing I did wrong. Apparently I’m not “too much,” but I guess we’ll have to see about that. He said he thinks I’m afraid to bring emotion into the room because I don’t want to overwhelm him or burden him. Not sure about that.

I made it through today but worried I won’t have anything to say next week. I think I’ll plan on journaling and just hope that turns into something. I really wish I knew how to feel emotion when I’m with him.