So I had a very painful last portion of my session today.
He said something about the therapeutic relationship being a "means to an end" and I didn't like this phrase even though I cognitively understand he is saying it has a specific purpose etc.
I was annoyed because we had 10 mins left so no time to talk about it yet I had nothing else to say. So I sat quiet and upset. Then at the end I handed him his money and said "you're right. The therapeutic relationship is a contrived load of bollocks trying to artificially squeeze itself into 60 minutes". And I started crying. I was frustrated with myself. I asked if I could have an extra 15 mins and pay him the extra and he said yes. And then my tears magically dried up. He said "what do you want?" I said "I want everything to be different" he said "i think I hear you saying you don't want this relationship to have the limitations of time and space that it has". I said "sort of. I don't want you to see it as a means to an end." Then I said "sometimes I feel if you just tell me you love me and hold me it will fix everything but I know it won't" (still tearful).
I said I hadn't shown him all the pain with the therapeutic relationship before. What I go through between sessions.. Only told him about it. Asked him how it felt. He said he felt sad but said it felt important and thanked me for showing him. Then we were coming to the end of the extra 15. I just said "I suppose I had better go". And we hugged and I left.
I sent him this email after session
Quote:
Dear T
When I first came to see you, I was weighed down by the attachment and love I felt towards someone who I paid to spend an hour a week in the company of. I remember how liberating it felt to talk about that with somebody unconnected, somebody who I didn't long for between sessions - you. Now, here I am, weighed down by love and attachment towards you.
You recently reminded me how, back then, you said you think you know how to work with me if I develop such feelings towards you. I don't doubt you know how to work with attachment and transference. I am beginning to doubt whether I am capable of working with it as a client.
Today, when I cried, initially I didn't know why I was crying. It was when you said I could have an extra 15 minutes and the crying ceased that I realised I was crying because the hour was up. I felt, and still feel, pathetic and ashamed that I was crying for that reason. I feel even more ashamed that receiving scraps of your time dried the tears up. I feel a great deal more shame at the thought of how manipulative it looks, even though I was not consciously controlling my responses.
I don't believe this is a means to an end. I no longer think there is an end to this. I don't think I am going to magically start thinking differently one day and decide that I am ready to leave therapy. I think I am either going to cut and run after being hit by a wall of shame over my feelings for you (which very much is on my radar at the present time) or you will retire, or die, or have enough of me and I will be left heartbroken again. In fact I think this can only end in heartbreak. So why am I doing it?
This is what unrequited love feels like. Nobody ever suggested unrequited love had any use or healing potential. We all can agree it's a bag of s***. This is worse in a way because I have to sit and explain this to you, and you can sit there as passively as can be and say "I hear you saying you wish this relationship didn't have the constraints of time and place that it has". What use is it to discuss this over and over? What use is it for you to reflect that back to me? And worse, for you to see me in pain, in this most profound, unsolvable, exquisite pain, and to say it makes you feel sad. I felt sad when my cat hurt her paw the other week.
I don't think you can ever comprehend the depth of what goes on inside of me and I don't think I can either. What is the point of trying? What is the point of humiliating myself like this? Crying like a child not getting their own way. F***.
What now? Do I continue to do the thing I felt so glad I escaped when I left T1? There's no point going to another therapist because I have proven to myself that this is just what I do. I just need the f*** out of people till they don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry you met me. I'm sorry I'm so f***ed up and unfathomable.
Echos
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He just replied
Quote:
Hi Echos
I hope my replying does not make the situation more difficult for you, that is not my intention.
What strikes me in reading your email is the shame you are experiencing. I wonder if we can explore that - the connection between loving and shame? How does the one lead to the other?
I didn't have any sense that you were trying to manipulate me or the situation today - I suspect that if you had tried to control your behaviour it would have been to stop yourself from crying. From where I was sat the tears looked determined to be shed despite your best efforts.
I am not at all sorry to have met you or that I am am working with you.
Please be kind to yourself,
Warm wishes, T
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I just feel hopeless and terrible. Him seeing it and just sitting there passively is too much. Not sure what else he can do but it just feels awful and pointless. I don't want to cry over 15 minutes of someone's time.