So I had a very painful last portion of my session today.

He said something about the therapeutic relationship being a "means to an end" and I didn't like this phrase even though I cognitively understand he is saying it has a specific purpose etc.

I was annoyed because we had 10 mins left so no time to talk about it yet I had nothing else to say. So I sat quiet and upset. Then at the end I handed him his money and said "you're right. The therapeutic relationship is a contrived load of bollocks trying to artificially squeeze itself into 60 minutes". And I started crying. I was frustrated with myself. I asked if I could have an extra 15 mins and pay him the extra and he said yes. And then my tears magically dried up. He said "what do you want?" I said "I want everything to be different" he said "i think I hear you saying you don't want this relationship to have the limitations of time and space that it has". I said "sort of. I don't want you to see it as a means to an end." Then I said "sometimes I feel if you just tell me you love me and hold me it will fix everything but I know it won't" (still tearful).

I said I hadn't shown him all the pain with the therapeutic relationship before. What I go through between sessions.. Only told him about it. Asked him how it felt. He said he felt sad but said it felt important and thanked me for showing him. Then we were coming to the end of the extra 15. I just said "I suppose I had better go". And we hugged and I left.

I sent him this email after session


He just replied


I just feel hopeless and terrible. Him seeing it and just sitting there passively is too much. Not sure what else he can do but it just feels awful and pointless. I don't want to cry over 15 minutes of someone's time.