I admire you for your willingness to experience all this so openly in relation to a T, Echos. Even if it sometimes feels useless and perhaps like a form of self injury. I think many people would not be willing to do similar, I know I would not, not in therapy. This openness is a strength that, I am sure, will benefit your own work as a T, even if things won't get resolved in very major ways in your own emotional life.