Thanks everyone. I slept for a long time and I feel slightly less hopeless and despairing this morning. I am glad he got to see the pain. It's the first time in all these years he's seen it right in front of him. I could count the number of times I've cried in front of him on one hand in 4 years..

I'm probably going to email him back this morning and say that the shame is not a result of the love. I don't feel ashamed of loving him. I felt the shame because I was basically begging him for 15 minutes of his time and offering to pay him. That felt desperately painful and just illustrated the hopelessness I was experiencing.

Not sure what I want to do at the moment. I feel better for getting it all out but I don't know what to do next.