Thanks to those who have expressed further thoughts on this. Xyn, I think you are right that he gets more from this than money. I guess these feelings defy rationality (as IDIMW points out, rationality goes out of the window in the face of pain).

Octoberful, I hadn't considered whether there's a link to the upcoming disruption, so thank you for that.

At the end of the day, these aren't feelings that I haven't felt before. They are feelings I haven't shown to him before. I have described them to him, but this feels different, more real. For both of us.

Normally when I feel bad about the attachment etc I post in dear T. When I write "I miss you" on that thread you can be sure all the feelings in that email sit behind that.

I feel differently today, particularly after talking a bit to someone else (also a therapist, with a lot of knowledge about attachment and the presence of 'parts' and their conflicting needs) which helped me feel a little more hopeful. Receiving an email from T (at my request) addressing a professional issue he said he would help me with has helped too. It's allowed the adult part of me to re-engage. With him and with myself.

I know that my feeling better is because a more adult part of me has come to the fore. A part of me with a solid sense of self-trust and independence. The me that other people in my life would recognise and who is actually pretty happy.

The sad thing is that I know the parts of me who wrote that email and who have those needs and who love my T so desperately, aren't satisfied with this self-assured, confident, bright adult who I present to the world. They are still in desperate need of love, in need of my T and they still feel desperately ashamed of that. What's more, these parts aren't well defined for me so their sudden fading in and out can be confusing and unpredictable. Though it seems to only emerge in the context of therapy and when I am alone in my thoughts.

I'm glad my T saw this side of me. I'm glad it was present in the room rather than hidden from him and described second-hand. Maybe this is some kind of progress. We shall see.