Hi I am new to this site. A good friend I met from another site recommended this site, she calls it her home. I like that. I introduced myself on the newbie board but thought maybe I should intro myself on this one as well. I am 49 and only have known that I am DID for about 8 months I guess. I have been in therapy since 06 but it took a while to come out. I initially went in thinking I was upset when my daughter went to school. It unravelled me. I also thought that I should feel more. I was so numb. I thought if things continued I would lose all feelings. I did not know that was dissociation. Now I did know that I had lost time all my life. I had been dx with migraines and partial seizures only no one ever recognized I had the seizures. Which I never thought was weird since my daughter has them and I always knew so did everyone around her. I was never medicated for them only the migraines. And when I say I lost time, I lost LOTS of time. Days, weeks even. People would come up to me, and speak to me, and I would not know them. Men would come up to me, and I would realize that we would have ummm you know, but I could not remember anything. In school, I would have taken tests and not remember it. Luckily I got good grades on the tests. No one ever noticed the behavior being different or it was put down as very entertaining. Not shy like I really was. I did not say much as in my house saying what was on your mind could get you really hurt. The home life was scary. Mom had affairs right and left. If dad knew he kept that to himself. He kept him to himself. He told me he never wanted me or any children. Gread dad huh. They were a violent couple too. Always fighting. My 20's was a blur. I did get married. Had two great children. Good Husband lousy inlaws. My t says my inlaws traumized me but that is another story.

Now for the today. Eventually my first t, dx DID. She was a pastoral counselor I eventually left as she did not know how to handle me and I got too raw with her and she just left me leave in too many bad states and I decided enough. I was lucky to find my current p-doc that although does not take new patients decided to take me on. He is good and has lots of DID experience. I am still trying to trust him. We have only been together for about almost 2 months. I am getting messy though now. (Oh I have met two of my alters, I am not really liking that word, one is a guy, he talked to me the other night, and a girl, Gloria she has talked to me too. Several are small children they just cry. One is the bad girl, she comes out alot I must fight her all the time now. we struggle alot because she wants to do bad things right now.)

The flashbacks are bad. Last night was one of the worst. I am so shaky that my heart won't calm down. Everytime I shut my eyes I see it again. I have written it in my journal and it still wont release me. I thought maybe if I wrote it again here, it might leave me alone until I go to therapy Tuesday. p-doc is out of town. Although he said call if I need him. I hate to do that he is in Florida. I f it gets bad overnight into tomorrow I will. I took 2 xanax thinking it would not happen last night and it did. I guess I can more now. Maybe that will help. Sorry I am dumping this here. I tried to make sure I put triggery in the headings. (I told my T (P-doc) I don't know who the real me is. could I have been killed off a long time ago. does anyone else ever feel like they don't which one is the real one. I told him I feel like I am only fragments. ONly parts. He of course dissagreed. what else can he say? I am confused)

I could go into more details but is so so bad I just dont know. I am getting worse actually by writing so I am going to end now. Thanks fo r listening.
now you know why I am
fragmented