i am doing better today.. i am able to think of other things, smile, etc

i don't know what to do... it has taken 4 full days to stabilize myself. This week was worse than any other since last year. So much pain. i don't want to go if it is just going to destabilize me again. The other night i took 7mg ativan. i had nosebleeds i was so upset..

i cant explain.. its hard to get the center of it across and on the surface it doesn't sound so bad... its the combo of timing, words, anger, vulnerability...

i dont know what he knows... i dont think he knows how bad it got.. no.. and i didn't tell him, why would i give him the chance to hurt me more? i will not call him again, ever... i'd bleed to death first.

i will go monday but there will be rules set out, if he cannot agree then i will simply get up and leave.

i know.. i am cryptic.. im so sorry.