Thanks cr, I feel pretty sure I have pre-verbal trauma. I'm sure that's a part of it even though I also think what went on between my parents is relevant too.

Yes my mother wasn't at all attentive to me as a baby. The only picture I have of us together when I was a baby I was sitting in a chair facing away from her. My father was my primary carer. I think that is all relevant.

My T said that the way I gaze at him is indicative of pre-verbal stuff.

I downloaded the free sample of the book you mentioned and I liked it. I think I will buy it. Thanks for recommending it.

I think you are right that my T and I can work with this. I emailed him today and told him about being 'seen'. He said well done for working through this. I'm looking forward to seeing him now.