Had my second session today. First T asked how my interviews for a new job were going, I was able to get interview slots such that I could go to my session in between two meetings.
I said they were going well. I was surprised about some of the other people applying for positions there, since they all seemed to struggle with getting offers. I've never had that experience, I always seem to just get the jobs I apply for. T was surprised by that, he commented on how I'm usually rather shy and don't open up a lot. I said it's different in a professional setting. I'm really good at acting and knowing what the other person wants to hear. We talked about how I did acting during a lot of my language courses in high school and was pretty good at it. And I know how to convince people of things too.

He asked what helps against getting emotional in certain situations besides grounding techniques and managing strong emotions. I told him how I like to distance myself from whatever makes me emotional. But if it's a person and that person tries to suggest some distance themselves, it's the end of the world. We discussed some other strategies.

We then switched topic to how I'll have to travel back to the interview site after the session. I was scared of that since it involved a train station at which I I frequently have flashbacks to it without being there. T suggested it might be a good idea to go there. He asked whether I wanted to talk about it or no? I said yes. We discussed how I can tell myself during the flashbacks that it's not currently happening and that while I had these emotions at some point in my life, it's not the only thing I currently am.

I became scared and he asked whether we wanted to switch topics to practice some of things we discussed earlier? I told him about meeting my parents for dinner this weekend and how I was worried they'd bring up my mental health. I don't talk to them about it much and on the one hand would like them to understand but on the other hand feel there's some really private things about it which I don't want to discuss.

I started to get scared again and had a difficult time breathing. He asked whether I wanted to look at him for a bit, so I did, about three times. His eyes were very kind each time, even though I only looked for a split second every time. During this he also observed me looking at the wall instead of him, so he told me it was fine to look at his shoes as well. He then started to describe them as "Blue sneakers" and said "I wear those every time I work". Felt a bit weird to say "Yes, I've noticed about 1.5 years ago and have written down every single instance where you wore different shoes".

We were almost at the point where I had to leave, so we scheduled for next week and said good bye.