I, too, lost my T instantly due to my behavior, though my T was going to leave me no matter what. But because I emotionally lost control, my termination was instant and I was no longer allowed to directly contact her.

Because of recent events, this has been brought to my attention once again. I feel horrible. I would never hurt my ex-T. I loved her more than anything. I feel guilty and ashamed for what happened even though it was 3.5 years ago. I hate myself. I always wonder "what if..."

It's hard. I've been there. I am there. I know it's not exactly the same, but it is similar. Write as much as you need to. The people here really helped me when I lost my T. Even now, I still have their support. Only a few people have made me feel guilty, but the rest have been good to me. I hope you receive the support from here.

Just know you're not alone.