I looked at him for most of the session again. I like it. His face is more animated than I thought. There also tends to be more lighthearted stuff, like me being a smartass about something and him smiling or being a smartass back.

When he noted that therapy seemed to be helping I said "yeah, fewer ER visits. Actually no ER visits now." He said something like agreeing with that and I gestured to my motorcycle helmet and said "yeah, that's why I got the bike, I figured they'd miss me in the ER" and he genuinely laughed out loud and told me I had a twisted sense of humor.

I talked about anger at myself being my go to response to vulnerability/sadness. I told him about how on the days I'm more vulnerable in session I'm often really irritable once I leave, and I told him about the puppy-like undergrad in the lab who's the only one who doesn't pick up on the fact that I want to be left alone. I mentioned that there was one time I was really angry at everything and the puppy undergrad was like "Hi LabRat!!! Can I ask you for more of your sage advice?" and because you don't kick puppies just because you're in a bad mood I then ended up giving him advice on his personal issue.
I joked to T that "can you believe he comes to me for life advice??" And he pointed out that I probably give good advice and said it would make sense that the undergrad would come to me, and I had to admit that, okay, yes, I often have some insight or perspective and know how to be a helpful understanding person to talk to.
I was kind of joking because I remember thinking grad students were "real adults" and now it's weird to have some undergrad seeing me as a "real adult" and coming to me about this stuff when I clearly don't have my **** together. But it felt nice that T took it seriously instead of just joking about it and that he thought that I'd be a good person for this undergrad to come to for advice.
He sees the most irrational and messy parts of me and I guess it's nice to know that, despite seeing all that, he still thinks I would be a good person for someone else to talk to. That he has respect for me in that way I guess? He doesn't see me as the useless unbalanced crazy person who can't even keep her own life together.

I also told him a bit more about my childhood and the expectations. Not being allowed to stay home sick from school because I was supposed to tough it out, not being allowed to watch TV or play computer games that weren't educational, not being allowed to have candy or pop, having to do pages of math problems on the weekends, the guilt if I did anything I wasn't "allowed" to do.
I said I kind of resented that my parents, my father especially, got what they wanted. T asked if it had been expected of me that I be a scientist and I kind of half smiled and said that, no, any STEM field would have been acceptable. He asked if I was doing this because it was what I wanted and I said yes, and that I enjoy it, but that I'm not sure whether it would have been if my childhood hadn't been like that. He asked me about what I wanted to do after I finish my degree and I said I wasn't sure anymore, talked about the pros and cons of academia vs industry, but that I have years before then anyway.

I asked if most people think they're bad people. He said not most people. And the people who are bad people tend to not think they're bad people. I jokingly responded that that meant that I should keep telling myself I'm a bad person then, that way I wouldn't be a bad person. He laughed and said that I always find a way to do that with the stuff he says.

I told him about having something in lab not work and realizing I'd made a mistake and being annoyed but not telling myself I'm an incompetent idiot and having the urge to hurt myself, which I would have six months ago. He smiled and looked all happy about it and I glared at him and told him I knew he'd respond that way and to not look so happy about it. And he told me that it wasn't about him, it was because he was happy for me, and I was like yeah, I know, exactly. I was mostly teasing and he knew it. But I do feel weird about him being happy about this stuff that I'm so conflicted about.

I don't have an appointment until Wednesday :/ I think I might ask if I could have regular time slots so we don't have this thing where it turns out his schedule already filled up for the days I would have wanted. I have an appointment Friday too, but I'd rather do Mon/Fri or Tues/Fri

At the end he told me to "ride safely" (as he's started doing every time since I started taking my bike), and I told him jokingly that "nah, I'm going to go lane split at 80mph. I have to still be allowed to make some bad choices."

I don't know how I feel about the sessions with this much looking at him and joking and laughing and stuff. It's still only a small portion of the session, but the whole thing feels lighter and less tense in a way. And that scares me. Because I don't want him to think I'm getting better and I don't need him. What if he likes this version better and gets annoyed if I get worse again? What if he cares less?