Sarah,

I feel for you. Public healthcare has its benefits but also a lot of limitations as you point out in your posts. I know from my own experience that being inside such a system (and being dependent on it for sick leave or something else) can make you feel helpless and like you have no say or control in this situation.

As you cannot change the system, maybe a starting point could be to start thinking about different approaches to look at your situation?

I get a strong sense that for you it's you vs. 'the system'. Like running against a wall again and again. What could help you to get to a point where you can take the benefits from the system (like sick pay) without feeling you have to get into total submission to the system? More like a 'walking alongside the wall-thing' (instead of running against it)? And maybe to allow yourself to find out that there's a wall on one side, and it limits you, yes. But there might be another side that is more open and there might be space waiting to be explored and discovered. And it could be rather small things, like:

- a support group cannot replace proper treatment. But it can be helpful in giving you a sense of empowerment instead of feeling helpless (which again is a typical symptom for a deep depression...)

- a support group can help you to find new social contacts or even friends.

- start a new hobby. Learn to knit or learn to make little crochet animals, if you like being outside try to find a hiking group so you don't have to go alone. Being outside in nature gets your head free. Whenever I'm outside a lot of my problems aren't that dominant any longer. Nature helps me to stay in the present, the here and now.

- can you talk to your psychiatric nurse about your fears that your referral might be denied? That you are wondering what will happen then if you don't get the referral? That you feel that the 'system' is failing you as you don't get the help you feel you need? Sometimes for me being open about my frustrations and perceptions starts a shift as well. For me and for the other side. So the nurse might get the message, ok, if the referral doesn't go through, we need to think about alternatives instead of just 'dismissing' your case. Or she and the psychiatrist can make an extra point to make sure that you do get the referral. And: They are working for you, at least to some extent, no matter how you feel about it, because they are working on referring you to this other place. So maybe if you try to see them as allies - they are as much 'caught' in the system as you are, and they might be frustrated by the limitations as well.

- I think you said a while ago that you don't want to take anti-depressive medication. Have you ever tried it? I know for me, when I was in really dark places, medication did make a difference. It didn't make all the symptoms magically go away. But it helped to shift my perspective enough so I could start work on changing things, step by step. Without medication the depressive vicious circle would just stop me before I even started. Because everything felt so deeply hopeless. So maybe reconsidering your position on meds might also be a starting point for some change?

- This might sound a bit harsh, but I just really want for you to see some changes happen. You can wait for the system to rescue you. This obviously won't happen. Instead of waiting forever you could start changing some things that you do have influence on. And there are some things, no matter how you feel about it right now. This won't turn your life around over night, but it will make a difference in the long run. But you have to start somewhere, and no-one will do that for you.

I keep my fingers crossed that you do get the referral in the end. But instead of just waiting (do you have any idea when they will decide about it??) and worrying, start some action. Any action will do.

Sending you hope and much love,

c_r