Extra T session yesterday: He got me a few minutes late and apologized. I said was OK. Went back and sat down, few minutes of small talk. He asked what I wanted to talk about. Me: "As in, why did I request an extra session?" T: "Yes." Me: "I mean, I felt generally OK at the end of session, ran some errands, then a few hours later, found myself crying on the way home. And I was crying sitting on the couch with D--I think I concealed it OK. But it showed I obviously wasn't OK. I suspect you weren't surprised when I asked you for another session." T: "No, I wasn't surprised. I was impressed that you didn't bother to clarify that it wasn't about me, like something I'd done or said." Me: "Because it wasn't." T: "Yes, but normally you'd include all these disclaimers. So the fact that you didn't, shows growth, some progress." Me: "OK, good."

He asked what specifically I wanted to talk about. I said I wasn't sure, just that I felt the need to talk more about the topic. How when I'd left session the day before, I felt I could have easily sat there another hour discussing it. T said he wasn't surprised, how there's a lot there to talk about. He said he wondered if I'd sort of pushed some of these things aside, and then what I'd heard had brought them all up again. I said yeah, in a way...especially since ex-MC had downplayed stuff so much, that I started to think it was just me, that it wasn't a big deal, that I was overreacting." T: "I could see that."

Me: "I wonder what ex-MC would think if he read what was written about him. He'd probably deny it." T (grinning): "Well, let's see what ex-MC thinks of all that--come on in, ex-MC!" (joking like he was waiting behind the door). I smiled and said "He's actually hiding in that cabinet over there. He could probably fit!" I said I was curious as to what H would say, and T said, "And now appearing for the third time on the show, it's H!" He was clearly trying to make me feel more at ease with the joking around, and it worked.

I said I guess I was struggling with figuring out what to say to H about it, how to talk to him. That yes, T had mentioned something the day before, but...He said to make sure to do it when D is not in the room, particularly so she couldn't overhear it. I agreed. I said we had a date night tonight, which I feel a bit awkward going on now, but that doesn't seem like the right time to bring it up. T: "Actually, it could be a good time. These conversations often go better and are more controlled when you're out somewhere." Me: "Hm, good point. I'm just not sure what specifically to say."

T then proceeded to give me a rather long script, speaking as if he were me talking to H. Things like, "I'm not comfortable with how you talk to D sometimes. It needs to change. Let's discuss how we can make that change," etc. I said I was worried he'd just be like, "Well, how else are we supposed to get her out the door in the mornings?" T: "That's a different topic. Don't let him switch to that topic. Say you can have that conversation another time about making the mornings easier." Me: "OK. And I worry he'll deny that he's doing it." T: "Just tell him what you witnessed and how it makes you feel." Me: "OK."

T: "Another thing to say in there is, what kind of example is this setting for D? Does he want to be teaching her that manhandling and bullying is how you handle issues?" Me: "Good point...though H might say how his father yelled all the time (he's said he has), and he turned out OK." T: "Even if he thinks he turned out OK, I'm sure he'd have preferred to have less yelling. Yelling isn't good for anyone." Me: "True..." T: "It might make the person doing the yelling feel better, but it won't help the person being yelled at." Me: "Yeah..."

He said how yelling and expressing anger in that way are putting your own concerns above the other person's. How there are constructive ways to use anger, and people who are emotionally intelligent can find ways to use it. Like saying in a calm voice, "I don't like how you were talking to D just then." Me: "But would that really show anger if I said it calmly?" T: "The anger would show in your body language and your words. But it's more effective if you're speaking calmly." Me: "OK, I see." I asked if it's something he thought people could learn to do. He said he thinks of it sort of like a muscle, where if you don't use it, it will atrophy. That it may be something you have to practice to really get it.

I said how I struggle so much with even feeling anger, let alone expressing it. He said he feels I'm that way with most emotions, that I hold them really tightly inside me (he gestured wrapping his arms up tight). Me: "Yeah, I feel like I got that lesson as a kid. Such that when I was sitting there crying in front of D, I felt I was failing because I let the emotions out." T: "Your mother taught you the other extreme. In a way, you and H are opposites in how you handle your emotions." Me: "Yeah... And the couple times I have expressed anger, he didn't handle it that well, probably because he's not used to me being in that role."

Somewhere in there, I said that I wasn't being emotional in session, so I worried T wondered what I was doing there, like if I didn't seem upset enough. T: "Upset enough for what?" Me: "To justify an extra session. I know...I've expressed that fear before." T (in very caring voice): "That thought never crossed my mind..." Me: "OK." T: "And remember, this is how I make my living. If no one comes to see me, I can't make a living." Me: "True!"

Talked a bit more about H, though I knew we were almost out of time. Me: "You know, I was just thinking...you had said yesterday that H expressing anger by yelling, it's kind of like a child having a tantrum. And I guess...it's like his feeling like he has the right to let out whatever emotions he's feeling in that moment...that's kind of like a kid too, right? How they tend to be more self-centered and thinking about their own needs at the time." T: "Yes...but I wouldn't suggest using that example with him--I doubt it would go over too well!" Me: "Oh yeah, I agree."

He asked if I wanted to keep schedule same for next week, I said yes. Went over and paid. As he was trying to hand me the pen to sign the credit card slip, he at first sort of flung it at me, apologized, then it rolled off the edge of the desk before either of us could catch it. T: "I knew that was going to happen!" He bent down got the pen and handed it to me. It was weirdly endearing. Signed and handed it to him. He shook my hand, saying, in a more caring way than usual, "Good luck this weekend." Me: "Thanks, I may need it. Have a good weekend." T: "Thanks, stay dry!" (was starting to rain). Me: "I'll do my best!"


Then headed out to meet H and D for dinner...not awkward at all...(it was OK, actually)