I don't know what to do in therapy anymore. I have always chosen the path. Now I feel unable to. Too many things pressing. I am in over my head. What lead to follow? What order to do things in? What is most important? I feel lost. We were going use EMDR to work on healing one of my little girl ego states, because that is causing problems in my current life. But now other stuff has arisen. I want T to give me some direction and guidance. Is it OK to ask for that?

Last time I was trying to tell T this hard thing, which he didn't know, he just thought I was having trouble choosing what to talk about. And he said he wouldn't be a good therapist if he chose what we talked about. I know that's true, but now I'm struggling and need some guidance. If I ask for that, will he just say the thing about not being a good therapist?

I did manage to tell T the hard thing, which was about a new ego state I discovered, quite a dominant one and unlike the others I have that are girls of various ages from my past and that we have worked on healing. The new one is an adult male and very strong. He told me a lot of stuff I didn't know, and I didn't like that--why does he know stuff about me that I don't know? He has his own story, his own thoughts and feelings. It was strange! I felt crowded by him for days and it was hard holding my own. We were together in my head. Even though I learned he is doing everything he can to help me, his constant presence got to be too much and I sent him away.

T was very accepting. He told me it is completely normal to have many ego states. This was reassuring as I thought maybe I was going crazy. I had accepted the girls from my past that split off due to trauma, but having this male seemed freaky to me. T reassured me how normal it is and told me some people even have animal ego states. (I do not have "alters" that switch as in DID, just ego states.) But he did tell me it was important I remain in control. He repeated this several times, "you have to stay in control." I guess T thought since the male was so strong, he might take over or something. I got no sense that he wanted to do this when we were together. We were co-existing, that's all.

But now, thinking back on T's statement, I wonder if having the male take over might actually be a good thing? I feel really lost right now and need some help. The male is so strong--maybe it would be good if he took over for a while. I don't know if that is even possible. How would I get him to do that? Why did T not want the male to take over? What would be wrong with that? I could lean on him and get a break. It would only be temporary.

I feel hesitant to even post this here as you all will think I am strange....