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Originally Posted by Xynesthesia
Were your mother or others in your childhood punitive and condemning of sexuality and sexual impulses/acts? That would explain something like your issue better than sexual assault. It sounds like your problem is feeling guilt/shame about impulses that most people have and do not feel negatively about, or not this much. As for the childhood acts of touching and curiosity, that is also very common, many kids do that and grow into perfectly healthy adults. But you seem to have so much anxiety/shame over it. I would probably try to figure out why that is rather than trying to eliminate the thoughts and impulses, which might well be an impossible endeavor and forcing might just make it worse and induce more shame.
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She was but that doesnt explain the impulses themselves and why a 16 year old would feel extreme anxiety around the thought of touching a dogs mouth to there privates even though they really didn't want to but felt compelled to and did . Or having extreme anxiety while tickiling her much younger sister and an overwhelming impulse to touch her. Only by the grace of God I did not. Also other things I have done as a teenager I cant speak if it. I just dont understand why someone would have so much anxiety about committing a sexual act. Like fighting with themselves in their head. Saying that is horrible dont do that. Then they do it because the urge is overwhelming. I understand the whole treat whats going on and I am doing that. Being born that way just isn't acceptable and it's making me think of harming myself but I wont. I have identified three different components to my impulses. 1) is the out of the blue impulse- this one is just the impulse I may touch someone innapropriately because I am near them but I am not attracted to them. Like walking a blind friend to the phone. I might have a really anxiety producing thought to touch her breast. It goes away then comes back again with something else. 2) is the triggered part- if I watch Law and Order Svu and something comes on about sexual abuse. I have impulses to touch my privates to the chair. 3) the attraction part- impulse that I will touch someone that I am attracted to. I have seen at least 30 psych docs and therapists. I have been diagnosed with every single psychiatric disorder from Ocd to ptsd to DID and no one can tell me where this comes from because I don't remember anything trauma that could have set this off. I am so frustrated. I told my T i was feeling a little suicidal and she said do you need to go to the hospital I said no and that was it. She doesnt care, my family doesnt care, no one cares.