I very much agree with cinnamon's and Anne's suggestions. This is, again, similar to what I said on one of your previous threads: you have this very ingrained pattern of focusing on all the negative, your inability, hopelessness etc. So attached to your own pain, depression and lack of perspective that you don't ever see silver linings, possibilities and the role of your own decisions in all this. I agree that going to support groups and volunteering is a good idea and that if you could go to therapy sessions and can see the nurse, you could also make those. It is really a choice; it would take some forcing yourself, but everything that could possibly create forward movement would be hard at first.

I personally really don't like to hear suggestions that pain should be left to last as long as it lasts - I think suggestions like that are usually made by people who refuse to see/acknowledge their self-sabotage, don't want to see things differently and justify it by their pain and, most importantly, don't act differently toward meeting their desires and goals. They just keep blaming and bashing the "system" for years, decades, forever... which can be fine and maybe helpful, but I doubt it would make a difference and make someone really better on its own. I did have a period like that as well regarding therapy and the "system" (being all negative and punitive about it) and am quite happy it's finally over, it really wasn't my nature to engage in that to that extent. It also just reinforced resentments that were counterproductive for me and clouded my vision from seeing my own role in it.

There is no other way to break a self-defeating, unproductive cycle but to start doing things differently. I asked you about medication before, for example - that would be possible professional treatment without your having to do much more than taking it, at minimum. If you are that ill and on disability, can't you see a doctor and discuss those options? It really seems like you could have many options to change things but you choose not to do them and rationalize it with being too unwell and hopeless. Those are symptoms of depression and it can be treated in so many ways!