I want to end it.

But I’m terrified I’ll screw up.

Last April I overdosed and was in hospital for a week. My T gave me a second chance. He normally would have dropped the client because he doesn’t deal with suicidal clients.

He knows I’ve been really depressed lately. And I’ve told him I want to end things, but won’t, because I don’t want to lose him. He nodded.

But I do want to end things. I’m just terrified I’ll screw it up again and I can’t.

Living with this is agony. I wake up every day wishing I hadn’t. I know things won’t get better or change - I’ve been like this for 30 of my 44 years.

I want to end it, but I really can’t end up in hospital again, and I can’t screw it up.