Hugs to you, you’ve as much right to be heard n loved as any of us. I don’t wish to sound patronising but, to some degree, I do feel I understand how you are....the pain can be so, so hard to bear n I’m glad (sorry that your in need) you knew to reach out, and, as I’m sure your aware, it’s the illness telling you what you say, how your feeling. Are you getting irl support?